Wow - I've been seriously MIA!!

OMG - almost 3 months since I blogged.  Sorry, life has just been super hectic and we have had everyone in the house sick at some point or another over this time.  But back to the grindstone of life now.  I need to get back into my blogging - it is such a good way to be accountable, to get my feelings out rather than eating them down (literally!) and just to be honest about this whole journey.

So what's been happening while I've been away?  Well the biggest thing for me was that I tore my calf muscle.  It has stopped my doing the high intensity exercise for the past 5 weeks and I have to admit I used it as a bit of an excuse to 'have a rest' and do nothing.  As a consequence my weight loss has pretty much plateaued and has actually crept up a bit.  I have now lost a total of 12 kilos in almost 7 months.  Still pretty good going!

And my weight isn't the only thing that has changed during this journey.  I recently saw an Endocrinologist who felt that I was doing an awesome job on the weight loss side of things and that I didn't need to be on anymore medications.  He sent me off for a blood test and I see him again in 4 months.  The blood test is called an HbA1c - it measures the average blood sugar level over the previous 3 months (red blood cells hold memory for this period of time).  A reading of under 6 is what a 'normal' person would have.  The target range to be as healthy as possible with diabetes is 6.1 - 7.  My first one this year was 7.9 and my blood pressure was 140/100.  This is what kicked off my weight loss plans.  The test I had this week.........was 6.2 and my blood pressure is 125/78!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!!!!!  That's almost normal.  If I keep losing weight and stay healthy I may even be taken off some of the meds at my next visit!  I'm so happy I could cry!

So I have now been cleared by the physio to get back into the exercise and I have done some work on my mind set and I'm ready to start the big push again.

I was reading somethinig today that has made me want to commit to certain habits/thoughts/ideas.  It's from Dietriffic.com The author of the website has a free e-book you can get called 'The Lifestyle Makeover Guide'.  In it she ask you what motivates you towards your goals and to list 3 things that really motivate you.  The first one for me was easy - My health.  After that I did have to think a bit but no2 wasn't a real stretch - For my kids.  To set the example for them.  Lastly I really had to think.  Really.  I ended up coming up with my appearance.  This was a bit odd for me as I have always thought that I dressed well for my size, I take care with my appearance and figured that if this is the way I was inteded to be then so be it.  It's only been recently that I have started to really feel unhappy about my physical size.  And it's certainly something I will explore at a later stage.

For now I've written enough.  I will begin sharing meal plans and recipes as well as my thoughts and feelings.  There's so many topics I want to talk about but I will pace myself so we can chat more often!

That annoying little (?) voice......

OK, so maybe it's not so little.  Especially not today when it is massive and screaming at me "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!".

So why is it saying this to me?

For the past few days I have been competing in a radio competition called the 'Pop Quiz'.  It's just 4 silly questions per day on celebrity news & gossip, sport and current events and stuff.  There are 5 rounds and you win $50 each day but if you make it to day 5 you are going for $1000. 

Well I made it to day 5 but completely bombed it.  Was more upset than I expected to be and feel like a complete git.  Just didn't know the answers and wasn't quick enough with google and the like to get me over the line.

Of course everyone else's reactions have been that I did so well to get to the 5th day but all I can focus on is the mistake I made.  I stumbled on spelling the word PHARAOH and lost too much time thinking about it.  I should have just passed it.  Just can't seem to get past that.  I have $200 that I didn't have before and I am only the second person this year to make to the $1000 round.  I should be happy with that shouldn't I?

So why can't I turn off this stupid idiotic voice that tells me I am a failure?  I don't like it and even trying to make it cound like Arnold Schwartznegger isn't working today.  Grrrrr.

So long....

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted.  I have been very slack, and not just here!

It has been a tough couple of weeks.  I have been a bit up and down on the scales and seem to have lost the enjoyment and motivation for doing the exercise.  I know I HAVE to do it but sometimes that's not enough to keep you feeling good about it is it?

So I have been thinking about what made me feel good about it before.  And I guess it was the feeling of empowerment and achievement.  I seem to have lost those feelings these past few weeks.  Not sure how to get them back.  Perhaps I need to set some more 'physical/exercise' goals again?  Stop focussing so hard on what the scales say and look more to the fitness side of things?

As for what the scales say, I couldn't be happier right now.  9.5kgs in 18 weeks.  That puts me under the 130kg mark and I now sit at 129.3kgs. Not too shabby at all!  I hope to never see the 130+ mark on my scales ever again!

Riding out the Stay the Same weeks and the gain weeks is a challenge.  One I am going to have to find a way around.  I need to be able to get my head and my heart a bit stronger or this whole process could fail.  I do not want it to fail, so that in itself could be my solution.......

A challenge

So I have been watching the Channel 9 series 'Big Extreme Makeover'.  It has been great to see people in the same or similar situations as me and how they have worked through their weight loss journey's.  Some have had surgery, some have put weight back on.  One has even become a motivational speaker!

Last night was the fianl episode.  It featured a young lady called Bonnie.  She's 22 and ended up moving away from her home to get away from friends and things that were sabotaging her efforts.  She did really well and lost over 30kgs in the 12 months.  There was one thing from this show that has started a little idea growing in my mind......

She climbed the 1000 steps at the Three Sisters in the Blue Mountains with her trainer as one of her challenges.  So James and I have decided it is a challenge we can meet and we are plannning to hit the steps sometime in October.  OMG!!  Can I do it?  I really want to but 1000 steps?  I struggle with 20!

So I think this will be as much of a mental challenge as a physical one.  And when I make it to the top the feeling of achievement will be just awesome. I will focus on that.  And there will be photo's I promise.  Just watch this space in October!!

Feeling flat

Today has been a tough day.  Nothing particularly bad happened I am just feeling really flat.  All of a sudden I feel like this diet and exercise thing is hard, maybe too hard.  I am not sure why I feel like this but it sucks.

Just finished a PT session.  Normally I feel great after them but today I cried all the way home.  How stupid is that?  And it was a tough session, I should feel really proud of myself and I don't.  I don't know how to pull myself out of this either.

Today on the Weight Watchers forums a member posted about how negative most of the posts are and she felt we should start looking at the good things as well.  So she posted five things she liked about herself.  She liked her skin and her arms and that she's a good friend and stuff like that.  I sat there reading it feeling worse and worse.  I couldn't think of five things I genuinely like about myself.  I know I could do the usual "I have nice eyes" and stuff but to be honest I can not think of anything I really, truly, honestly like about me.  How bloody pathetic is that?  God, I am even sobbing while I type this.

I just feel so very, very flat.  And blah. And tired.  And fed up.

I know I chose the lose weight option of the saying in my last post and I will stick to that but I knew there would be tough days.  There would be hard times and pain, both physical and emotional.  I guess this will be the true test of my desire to see this through.  If I can keep pushing and keep on track through my first down time then I can get to the end.

So off to wash my PT clothes, cook a healthy dinner and enjoy the peace in my home for 10 minutes before James and the girls get home.

Choice....

I just read this saying and I LOVE it!!

"Being overweight is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Choose your hard!"

Well I chose losing weight.  And if that involves some hard work, either physical or emotional I'm up for it. 

I realised over this past weekend how easy it is to let things go.  I didn't exercise and I had a mini pig-out :(  I knew I was doing it and that it was wrong but I did it anyway.  I ate some sweet biscuits.  They were in the house because James had gone 4WD'ing, I stayed home because I wasn't feeling very well but I made him some tea in a thermos and bought some biscuits to go with it.  He didn't eat them so they came home and went into the cupboard.

I caught myself after #5 and realised what I was doing and stopped.  I will now be giving them to the girls or better still, throwing them away.  Can't have temptation near me as I have shown that I am not strong enough yet.  Although I am very pleased that I did stop and I did realise what I was doing.  Wish I could work out why though.

So that's my hard choice for today - to throw food away before it sabotages my efforts.  And for me to throw food away is huge.  It will hurt but I will do it!

Dancing (with the stars!)

I am so very excited!!  I love to dance, I'm not very good at it but I just love to do it.  Several times over the years I have asked James to come and do a ballroom class (I did ballroom as a teenager) with me and he has always baulked at the idea.  But last week I found a class and asked him to come with me and he said yes!!  So excited!!

Ballroom is quite a workout so we can have fun while getting fit.  I am really, really excited about it and can't wait for term 3 to start so we can get going.  Happy, happy, happy!!!!!