Thank you Connie Jackson!

So who is Connie Jackson you ask?  Connie is a lady that lives in Tennessee and at her heaviest she weighed some 630lbs, that's around 285kgs.  Connie decided that she had to change and had radical bariatric surgery where they removed around 80% of her stomach and bypassed two thirds of her large intestine.  The stomach is obviously to not allow her to eat very much and the bypass was to stop her body absorbing fat (apparently that happens in the large intestine).

In 3 years she dropped 410lbs or about 185kgs.  This left her with masses of loose skin.  She decided to have it surgically removed.  The first operation saw about 25lbs (11kgs) of skin and fat removed from her waist.  The piece of flesh was around 5' (which is as tall as my eldest daughter, Julia!).  They then pulled the skin up and stitched her back together.  The scar goes all the way around her body and she was in physical pain for months.

Then she had her legs done.  Cuts from her groin to her knee and about 10lbs (4kgs) per leg taken away.  And this is where it gets bad.  Apprently people who have been morbidly obese have difficulty with blood flow to their skin due to the distance, area and fat involved.  These opeations often have complications due to the lack of blood flow.  Sure enough poor Connie ended up with gangrene and had months of therepy along with skin grafts.  She now has massive scarring and is less than happy with her result.

She then flew to London to have her arms and breasts done.  The surgeon there refused to operate, much to Connie's disappointment and disgust.  The surgeon felt that her body couldn't take more surgery and that due to the stomach and bowel surgery she was now very malnourished and that would make recovery too difficult for her.  The programme was called 'The Shrinking Woman' and I watched it on the Bio channel on Foxtel.

Thank you Connie for showing the world your story - you have had a big impact on me.  Firstly I am inspired to keep at the weight loss thing.  I DO NOT want to end up weighing that much.  Secondly, I will keep at the exercise in order to avoid as much loose skin as I can because there is no way I would contemplate those surgeries.  The risk is just to high and for what?  What the world considers aesthetically pleasing?  I'd rather be ugly and alive thanks.

One of the saddest parts of the show for me was when she spoke about food.  She used to love food, eating and the social aspect to food.  Now she can't eat more than 2 tbls of food at one time and often that is too much.  She views eating as chore and is often nauseous.  I don't want that for me.  I had contemplated having gastric banding done, which is no where near as radical as Connie's surgery but is still pretty drastic.  I don't want to end up hating food.  It is an important part of our social being and I love the taste, texture, smell and emotions food brings.  I just have to learn moderation.

I also have to learn some self control and self discipline.  I need to exercise more and be more strict with my eating.  I'm not quite sure how to do that.  Food and laziness have been a part of my life for so long.  Food is my comfort, my love.  I eat to feel full.  I feed my friends and family to show that I love them.  How do I change that without feeling like a part of me has been ripped away?  How do I understand that I have love and can feel emotionally fulfilled without having to feel physically full?

Interestingly it's not just my stomach that has to be full for me to feel happy and fulfilled.  I overfill my fridge and pantry.  I get agitated when  food begins to run out.  I hate it when the egg shelf in the fridge isn't full.  I get annoyed when the containers of food run low or out.  I feel good after going shopping and filling everything back up.  There is obviously an issue here.  Wish I knew why I feel this and behave this way.

I'm not sure how to find the answers to these questions but perhaps having the questions verbalised is a start.  I will now begin the search for my answers.....

Waterwise

Well I think I need to look at some basics to try and kick this fat old body of mine into gear!

Eating is good, exercise is OK but I don't think I drink enough.  So my aim for this week is to drink more - water and green tea.

Water to keep my better hydrated and apparently green tea is good for boosting your metabolism.  Whether it aids the weight loss or not I'm yet to find out.  But even if it doesn't it's more fluids into my body than I'm getting now and that can only be a good thing, right?

My other challenge right now is to get over being so damn LAZY!  I am avoiding exercise and making excuses.  This is not what I want but I can't seem to stop doing it!  The heat is not helping but that's only going to get worse not better.  I need to get out of this slump before summer hits or I'm doomed!!!

Going back to my post about Faking It, it seems I have forgotten that already.  So no time like the present, I will head off for a walk this afternoon.  We need some noodles for our yummy Chicken Singapore Noodles we are having for dinner so a walk to our lovely new shops is in order.

Right then.  I better go and get this work finished and put on my walking shoes......

Do Not Give Up

So the awesome Kazz has once again given me my inspiration for the next little while.  She has been featured in this week's 'That's Life' magazine in a story about The Amazing Shrinking Karyn.  Go Kazz you are truly a star and your story inspires so many.  I find it has particular resonance in me as the emotional issues we have are similar and the sheer will power to keep going has been one long hard slog for her and in the 7 short months I've been going it has been a real battle.  To keep at it for over 5 years is just phenomenal and I admire her so much.

Today she posted a photo on her Facebook page.  I just had to download it.  I will try to be a techno-whizz and upload it to my blog as it is something I think I need to read and read and read and read.....

So I'm off to see my sister's and my step-mum today.  I will be making cupcakes for my sister Amanda to photograph.  She is doing a photography degree and it is for an assignment.  My challenge in this will be to not 'pick' at the cakes - either the batter, the icing, the lollies for the decorations or a completed cake.  No cake for me!

So far this week I am doing OK on the exercise but food continues to be a struggle.  When I am at work it's so easy.  There is only so much there (which I pack so it is healthy options) and I am busy working so I don't sit and constantly think about food.  Being at home is tough.  This is where the habitual eating has always happened and it really is tough to break.  I am trying so hopefully the scales will be kind to me on Sunday's weigh in.

Back to PT!

Yay!  Meeting JT for a session this afternoon.  So ready to be killed by him.  Never thought I would hear myself say I missed exercising...

So far I have stuck to my plans for the week.  The Spanish Chicken last night was yummy and I enjoyed the netball game.  Tonight is the Veal Rolls and I went a bought some lovely fresh beans to go with it.  Definitely looking forward to that one!

Last night I was chatting to James and we decided it would be great if I set a health goal.  So I am hoping that within the next 6 months I will be able to drop my HbA1c (I explained that one in an earlier post) from 6.2 to under 6.  Under 6 puts me out of the diabetic range.  I will never not be classed as diabetic, once diagnosed that's it, but I can have it well and truly under control and that's what I'll be aiming for.

I am going to list my goals and give them to JT.  That way he will keep me a bit more accountable.  Accountability is so important in this journey and it is something I struggle to be.  When there is no one to actually report to it's easy to make excuses.  And my motto for the next little while is NO MORE EXCUSES!

So my goals for the next month are:
Fitness - get back to being able to jog a kilometre;
Weight - lose 2kgs; and
Mental/Emotional - to plan food and stick to it.

Will keep you updated on how these go......

Plan for the week......

So I have decided that I need to plan week by week.  If I plan too far ahead the plans seem to fall over.  So bringing it back to week by week.

Dinner tonight is Spanish Chicken with a Garden Salad.  I'm about to go and cook it now.  Yummo.  Exercise for today is.....Netball!!  A friend needed a fill in so I get to play.  Yippee!!

Tomorrow we will have Spinach & Feta Veal Rolls (I actually use beef schnitzel for this as I'm not too keen on veal) which we will have with a big pile of mixed green vegies.  I'm hoping that JT will be free for a session tomorrow - I need to do some HARD work!

Wednesday it will be slow cooked Balsamic Lamb Shanks with mash and beans.  The big netball game is on that night - Australia vs England at the AIS and we have tickets.  Very excited!  Will have to get in a good walk/run during the day as we will be busy cheering at the game in the evening!!

Thursday we will be eating Steak with Polenta Chips and Salad for dinner and again I'm hoping to get JT onto our case.

Friday is the start of a new week for me.  I will do the meal plan on Thursday or Friday and shop on Friday.  So I will post the next plan then!

I am off work for the week as the kids are on school hols.  My challenge will be to avoid snacking!  I will be super busy though as I am going to clean up and clean out both Sophie's bedroom and our terribly messy study.  Hopefully I'll get through it all......

Blog Title

So has anyone wondered about my Blog's title?  I have been wondering for days if it makes sense to other people.  I guess it really doesn't matter if you guys get it or not, it's my blog and I'll name it what I want, right?

Anyway, it's meant to be a bit of a play on words - 'Losing' because obviously this about my journey to lose weight. 'My mind' because I truly believe that weight loss is an emotional/mental journey way more than it's a physical one.  So together 'Losing my mind' is about breaking down all the emotional and mental barriers I have built up over all these years so that I can 'Find me', the real me, the person I don't really know but is slowly beginning to emerge - the strong, calm and confident person.  The one who knows her strengths and weaknesses and accepts them with good grace.


Sadly, this isn't always happening :(  There is still a lot of self sabotage going on.  A lot of which relates to laziness....

I planned dinner last night, I had even defrosted the meat.  And then Julia invited a friend over to stay the night.  And then we went to get a DVD for them to watch.  And then it was late.  And then we decided to have take-away.  One little pizza won't hurt will it?  Will it?!?!?!

I am so angry with myself this morning.  I loved every bite of that pizza.  But it's going to cost me.  Big time.

So why did I do it?  To save myself 20 minutes in the kitchen?  How dumb is that?  And the scariest bit of it all is that if I had that time over again I probably would do the same.  Us fatties seem to think we can justify eating something like a pizza.  'oh but it was a small one, I used to eat a large!' and 'I'll eat better tomorrow and do some exercise'.  These are just stupid excuses my mind makes.  They are not the truth and they are not acceptable.

*Sigh*

Eyes on the Prize....

So I am forgetting about how far I have come.  I think this is where my 'Battle Fatigue' is coming from.  I forget that six months ago I could barely run, wore size 26 pants and thought that it was OK to be this way.

Today I'm in a size 22 pants (that are almost too big), I can run (really run, not just shuffle along) and I know that the way I lived before is not OK at all.

Remembering these things and reminding myself sometimes about where I've come from rather than always thinking about how far I have to go, or getting upset at the scales not moving, is something I think I really need to do.  To keep me motivated and feeling good about what I'm doing.

It's kind of like Kazz's 'Faking it' from yesterday.  While I'm faking my desire to do the exercise and to eat the healthy food (why does high-fat, high-sugar food have to taste so damn good?) I can remind myself of why, I can look back and say THAT is why.

So keeping your eyes on the prize is important, I think that having a backwards glance sometimes can be just as important.

'Fake it til you Make it!'

Some sage words of advice from the amazing Kazz.  She has lost an incredible amount of weight and is such an inspiration to so many people.  Truly mind-blowing.  Check out her journey here on her blog.

So I faked it and pretended I felt like going for a walk yesterday afternoon and I'll admit it did feel good to go out and get some fresh air.  And the dogs appreciated the walk too!

Wednesdays are Netball days.  I love my netball - it's so much fun and now that my fitness has improved I can actually participate so much more and I feel so much more like a productive member of the team!  This will be my first game back after hurting my calf so I am super excited about tonight!  Pity the game is at 9pm......

Because we play netball on Wednesdays I am always looking for good recipes for things like soup.  Something that can be made ahead of time, is low-fat and full of nutrients and is light on your tummy.  If we eat before a game we both feel quite sick so we usually wait til after.  But because tonight's game is so late we will try to eat early but it will be something fairly light and easy to digest.  So I have this lovely recipe to get us through tonight.....

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Hearty Chicken and Root Vegetable Soup
Weight Watchers Recipe - 6 ProPoints

2 tsp Olive Oil
1 Leek, washed and thinly sliced
1 Parsnip, cut into 1cm pieces
1 Carrot, cut into 1cm pieces
2 Garlic Cloves, crushed
3 Cups of Chicken Stock
400g tin of Diced Tomatoes
2tsp fresh Tarragon Leaves
400g Lean Chicken Thigh Fillets, fat trimmed and thinly sliced
1 medium Desiree Potato, unpeeled and chopped into 1cm pieces

Heat oil in large saucepan over medium heat.  Add leek, parsnip and carrot and cook, stirring for 5 mins or until soft.  Add garlic and cook for 1 min or until fragrant.
Add stock, tomatoes and tarragon and bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 5 mins.
Add chicken and potato and simmer covered for 15 mins or until potato is tender and the chicken is cooked through.

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This is such a yummy soup and so easy to make.  I actually cheat and use dried tarragon because getting fresh isn't always easy!  The flavour is really nice so I like to use it and dried works just as well.  Not sure how much I use cos I just sprinkle it in!!

My one last thought for today - Back on 20 June I blogged about not being able to think of 5 things I liked about me.  That thought has remained with me all these months and I think I'd like to have a stab at it now.  So her goes....

1. I like my determination.  I am stubborn and I don't give up.
2. I like my strength, both physical and emotional.
3. I like my courage.  For doing this and for talking about it.
4. I like my planning.  I think ahead and make plans for dealing with life.
5. I like me.  Wow.  Didn't ever think I'd say that.  But I do.  I like the person I am becoming.  Strong, determined, courageous, calm and happy!

So I faked it and now I'm makin' it!

Battle Fatigue

Well I have to thank a Weight Watchers member by the name of anniem24 for the inspiration of todays post.  She discussed how everything was a war and how we use those terms for so many things.  She was just going to focus on being at peace with herself.  Great sentiments and I wish her well.

But the title struck a real chord with me for another reason.  I am fatigued.  Completely tired and worn out but to me this is a war and one I intend to win.  Even the greatest Armies have a rest sometimes, and they have more than one battallion ready to fight.  Me?  Well I only have me.

So how do I find the strength to keep going?  How do I continue the battle when I am so tired, so unmotivated and so overwhelmed by the task at hand?

These are not rhetorical questions people and as yet I have no answers for them.  If anyone can help I welcome the advice.

I will not give up and I will not give in.  I just need to find some MoJo, some spark of inspiration again.

Oh and I have discovered I can link these posts to Facebook!  So I will start doing that too, maybe someone in FB land can help.....