Is some Mum better than no Mum?

So fear has been riding along with me for the past few weeks.  I don't particularly like her, she doesn't make me feel good.  I have been trying to put into words what I am scared of and it sounds so illogical and stupid!  Can you believe that I'm scared to lose weight?  I WANT to lose weight, I really do.  I can picture the things I could do when I have but I struggle to know, to really know in my heart, who I will be.

All my adult life I have been overweight and most of it would be in the obese range.  I don't know what it is to be thin.  Will I still be the person I am now?  The person who loves and cares for her friends and family or will I become a little more selfish?  Taking the time for me to do the things that will keep me thin? 

Selfishness is a terrible trait in my opinion, I can't stand selfish people and I don't want to be one.  As a mother I want to give my children all of me and if that means I miss out on 'me' time then so be it.  Is that silly?  Have I gone too far the other way and become too selfless?  If I don't lose this weight and I get more sick, or worse, I die, what will my kids have then?  Nothing.  So some mum is better than no mum right?

So much of my identity, of the person I see myself as, is linked to my weight.  It is my safety blanket, I keep myself safe and hidden because I can't put myself out there and participate in things, the weight stops me.  It is also my armour, the real me hides behind it.  You know how people say they have built an emotional wall?  Well my wall is visable that's all and it feels like taking it away is going to expose me, and that my friends is the most frightening thought in the world!