Set back #1

Well I lost the plot this morning - in a BIG way.  Still feeling pretty upset about it actually.

So I went to meet James for a coffee this morning as I needed him to sign a bank slip.  I had taken my measurements this morning too - another 400g gone (4.4kgs in total) and I have lost a whopping 10cms from around my waist.  So I was feeling pretty happy with myself.  James wasn't as he is struggling to lose at the moment.  I suggested he look at what, when and how much he is eating.  Knowing he wouldn't listen to a word I have to say I suggested he get JT to come as well, thinking that would help.  How wrong could I be????

Very, apparently!

While JT did agree that portion size is an issue and made a few small suggestions to James it then turned on me.  He has given James (and I) permission to 'dob' on each other and that if James says let's go for a walk, I have to.  I am not allowed to say no and vice versa.  Now that in itself doesn't sound so bad I guess.  But the fact of the matter is that I will NEVER do that to James (dob maybe, but force him out to walk? nope) but he will take great pleasure in doing it to me - it's a power thing you see.  You should have seen the look on his face - he thinks it is an awesome idea, too bad if I feel like crap.  Not to mention that I dislike walking, in fact I would rather go to a gym than walk.  And for me, that's saying something!!

So then they decide to talk about riding a bike.*insert swear word here*.  I do enjoy riding a bike but I just can't do it.  We've all seen the fattie riding a bike and had a laugh, haven't we (c'mon be honest)?  Well I just do not have the confidence to put myself out there like that, I just can't do it.  And as for having that tiny little seat stuck up my big fat butt?  I don't think so, I can think of much better ways to inflict pain on myself.  So then James says "The girls would love it.  How happy would they be to ride as a whole family?"  Well ouch!!!  That just cut be to the core.  Of course they'd love it - but here's where I fail again.  I just can't do it, at least not yet.  And to use that card about the girls really hurt.  Rubbed my nose right in the fact that I am failing them by being so fat.  Crap, crap, crap.  My great morning has turned into a crappy day.

They went back to work and I left to do my errands.  I got into the car and I was so upset and angry and the worst bit of it is that they had no idea.  So I lost it at both James and JT - I sent them a very cranky text once I managed to stop crying long enough to see my phone!  JT took it in his stride and James hasn't said a word.  I'm sorry I did it but why, oh why can't men understand that image is so important to a woman?  And that just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they don't care about how they look?  In fact, I think it can become more of an issue when you are overweight. 

Right now part of me feels like giving up and another part of me feels like just putting on my shoes and going out and proving I can run 2 laps of the oval (my little goal for the end of the month).  I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do but what I do know is that I won't give up.......