While working with CB, the counsellor, I am learning to 'notice' my feelings more. Especially the ones that are harmful and undermine me. When she asked what was the most common destructive thought in my head I had answered her before she had even finished speaking - I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
The logical part of my brain knows that this is crap but unfortunately that part isn't very strong and the emotional side wins out everytime. And it sucks.
It's like emotions are magnified 10 fold and it becomes very hard to turn them off. It is so destructive and debilitating, I cannot begin to explain that to anyone. The best example I have at the moment is the bike comment. I feel so bad that I can't bring myself ride a bike and I think therefore I have failed. There doesn't seem to be room in my head to say YET. I can't ride a bike YET. It's so easy to type but to mean it in my head is almost impossible.
And then you get stuck on the words and actions of other people and obsess over them. I start to think that they are picking on me, or they are looking at me and thinking bad things about me. It becomes hard to go out in social situations, to feel confident about anything. When someone does say or do something nice it is so hard for me to believe. Even from the people I love the most, I can't believe I am worthy of their praise. I feel as if I have never lived up to their expectations.
This is what I mean when I say the fat is an armour plating, it is my wall - I can blame these feelings on being fat. It's not a problem in my heart, my soul or my mind - it's cos I'm fat. It's not and we all know it's not. That's just what I tell myself to avoid having to really deal with it all and that has to change! To quote P!nk's awesome song 'Perfect' - ".....You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you are wrong. Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."
I have to change and not just physically, this emotional stuff has to go as well. And that is going to be harder than any physical workout you could throw at me. I need to be strong and confident, otherwise how will me girls ever learn to be the same?
Today I got a message from someone that is a friend, although not a close one. I think she is stunning, a really attractive, strong and capable woman. Her words have had a big impact this morning and I actually DO believe her, she wouldn't have said them if she didn't mean them, she's just not that type of person. I wonder of she realises what a gift she's given me in those words? I'm sure she won't mind me sharing them with you:
I think you are an incredible woman. Strong, determined, courageous and inspirational. You are everything a woman should be! Keep up the amazing job and keep striving towards your goals. No matter how small or big your progress, it won't matter. The pure fact that you're heading towards your ultimate goal is the main thing. After all, it's not the final destination that we learn from, it's the jouney that has carried us there
So thank you lovely lady. I will treasure these words forever, they really mean a lot.
Another very good friend also told me this week that she saw a real difference in my attitude and strength this time and that she is sure I will succeed. These are words I will treasure as well. The difference this time is that I WANT to change,. For me. For my family. For the people that care about me. This is what will push me forward.
Hopefully soon CB will begin helping me to turn off these destructive thoughts and I will be able to be strong on my own.
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