OK - so I went and tried the aqua class at the AIS. It was good. And then I went again last night. It was good again. Yay! I have paid my $60 membership and will be going yet again tomorrow morning. I'm really glad I found this option.
At this stage I plan on making it to 3 aqua classes each week - Monday evening, Wednesday and Friday mornings. The membership also lets me use the gym and do other classes but for now I will stick with these 3. Then I play netball one other day and I will find something to do on the weekends.
Best of all - it's working! After putting on 3kgs over the 10 weeks I wasn't really doing any exercise my scales have started to move back in the right direction....DOWN! I have lost 1.5kgs this past couple of weeks. So I am now at a total loss of 10.2kgs. Another 1.8kgs and I'm back to the 12kgs I had lost before I tore my calf. And I'm hoping to make it to 14kgs gone by Christmas - that's my 10% goal.
So my food for this week needs to be tight. I got up early today and made some yummy soup for lunch (Hearty Chicken & Root Veg) and put the slow cookoer on for dinner (Slow Cooked Balsamic Lamb Shanks). Tomorrow it's Haloumi Salad for lunch and Corn Chowder for dinner. Just have to watch the snacking and all will be good. Hopefully I will say good bye to another 500gr this week.
Oh I almost forgot my other happy surprise this week......I ordered a new denim skirt.....in a size 20!!!! I triple checked the measurements and I definitely fit in a 20 on the size chart. And considering my current skirt is from the same brand and is a 22 that falls off me I shouldn't be all that surprised. But it's still nice to be buying clothes in smaller and smaller sizes :)
So I have to thank the Lovely Leanne (blog is here) for her advice - "If you hit a wall, find a way around it". I hit my wall, I was feeling down but I cut a path and got around it. I feel so empowered and happy. Thanks Leanne, you rock!
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Saturday, 5 November 2011
The emotional roller coaster
Well, what a few days I have had this week!
As you all know I love to work out with JT. He's a great guy and a good trainer. However, JT himself has been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past couple of months too. He has a gorgeous new girlfriend, and then his job was in jeopardy and then it wasn't and then his girlfriend moved from her home town to here and then they moved house and it's all been very stressful. During all this our sessions have been a bit hit and miss.
Last Saturday they had a house warming for the new place. While we were there I asked about training and I got a very short answer. It was basically 'No more'. I am honestly not really hurt by that - I knew he wouldn't be around forever and given all the circumstances listed above I knew it was going to be sooner rather than later. I am disappointed, I definitely work much harder when he's there than when he's not.
So that meant I faced a decision about what to do. I could give up - easy option, I like it! But no, I can't do that and I don't want to do that. So what can I do on what days......I looked at the gym timetable (I pay for the damn membership I might as well use it!) and I can do a class on a Weds and Fri morning. OK that's a start!
Wednesday comes and I very nervously go into the gym. Of course everyone is lovely and friendly and I did all right in the class - it was called 'Freestyle' and was aerobics meets ballroom dancing. I enjoyed and for 45 mins I kept up. At that point I was pretty dead physically but mentally I was shattered and I couldn't get the hang of the movement. But I bumbled along to the end. Not too shabby.
And then came the headache. Followed by two days of pain in my knees and hips. My knees even hurt to touch :( So I'm thinking this is not the way to go for me right now. So some more research is required. What can I do?? I know! I love doing aqua classes.
A bit of net surfing and I found the timetable for the gym at the Australian Institute of Sport and they have a pool! And they run all sorts of classes including four different aqua classes! Yay! So I called to ask about membership. I braced myself. I waited for the exorbitant price to come..........$60. 'A week?', I ask my heart sinking. Oh no! 'No', she said, 'that's per month'!! OMG! That's cheaper than my current membership and I pay extra to use the pool or do an aqua class with that. This includes full use of the gym and all classes including aqua! I am amazed. And excited. Perhaps I have found my answer.....
So this Wednesday I'm going to go and try the aqua class and see how it is. If I like it I'm going to suspend my other membership and try this place for a month. If all is good then I'll stay there. They have spin classes and boxafit classes so I think I'll find something I like there.
Aside from all this, I have done well with my food this week which makes me feel good. Tomorrow's weigh in will be the test. Hopefully there will be a minus instead of all the pluses I've been having!
As you all know I love to work out with JT. He's a great guy and a good trainer. However, JT himself has been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past couple of months too. He has a gorgeous new girlfriend, and then his job was in jeopardy and then it wasn't and then his girlfriend moved from her home town to here and then they moved house and it's all been very stressful. During all this our sessions have been a bit hit and miss.
Last Saturday they had a house warming for the new place. While we were there I asked about training and I got a very short answer. It was basically 'No more'. I am honestly not really hurt by that - I knew he wouldn't be around forever and given all the circumstances listed above I knew it was going to be sooner rather than later. I am disappointed, I definitely work much harder when he's there than when he's not.
So that meant I faced a decision about what to do. I could give up - easy option, I like it! But no, I can't do that and I don't want to do that. So what can I do on what days......I looked at the gym timetable (I pay for the damn membership I might as well use it!) and I can do a class on a Weds and Fri morning. OK that's a start!
Wednesday comes and I very nervously go into the gym. Of course everyone is lovely and friendly and I did all right in the class - it was called 'Freestyle' and was aerobics meets ballroom dancing. I enjoyed and for 45 mins I kept up. At that point I was pretty dead physically but mentally I was shattered and I couldn't get the hang of the movement. But I bumbled along to the end. Not too shabby.
And then came the headache. Followed by two days of pain in my knees and hips. My knees even hurt to touch :( So I'm thinking this is not the way to go for me right now. So some more research is required. What can I do?? I know! I love doing aqua classes.
A bit of net surfing and I found the timetable for the gym at the Australian Institute of Sport and they have a pool! And they run all sorts of classes including four different aqua classes! Yay! So I called to ask about membership. I braced myself. I waited for the exorbitant price to come..........$60. 'A week?', I ask my heart sinking. Oh no! 'No', she said, 'that's per month'!! OMG! That's cheaper than my current membership and I pay extra to use the pool or do an aqua class with that. This includes full use of the gym and all classes including aqua! I am amazed. And excited. Perhaps I have found my answer.....
So this Wednesday I'm going to go and try the aqua class and see how it is. If I like it I'm going to suspend my other membership and try this place for a month. If all is good then I'll stay there. They have spin classes and boxafit classes so I think I'll find something I like there.
Aside from all this, I have done well with my food this week which makes me feel good. Tomorrow's weigh in will be the test. Hopefully there will be a minus instead of all the pluses I've been having!
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Thank you Connie Jackson!
So who is Connie Jackson you ask? Connie is a lady that lives in Tennessee and at her heaviest she weighed some 630lbs, that's around 285kgs. Connie decided that she had to change and had radical bariatric surgery where they removed around 80% of her stomach and bypassed two thirds of her large intestine. The stomach is obviously to not allow her to eat very much and the bypass was to stop her body absorbing fat (apparently that happens in the large intestine).
In 3 years she dropped 410lbs or about 185kgs. This left her with masses of loose skin. She decided to have it surgically removed. The first operation saw about 25lbs (11kgs) of skin and fat removed from her waist. The piece of flesh was around 5' (which is as tall as my eldest daughter, Julia!). They then pulled the skin up and stitched her back together. The scar goes all the way around her body and she was in physical pain for months.
Then she had her legs done. Cuts from her groin to her knee and about 10lbs (4kgs) per leg taken away. And this is where it gets bad. Apprently people who have been morbidly obese have difficulty with blood flow to their skin due to the distance, area and fat involved. These opeations often have complications due to the lack of blood flow. Sure enough poor Connie ended up with gangrene and had months of therepy along with skin grafts. She now has massive scarring and is less than happy with her result.
She then flew to London to have her arms and breasts done. The surgeon there refused to operate, much to Connie's disappointment and disgust. The surgeon felt that her body couldn't take more surgery and that due to the stomach and bowel surgery she was now very malnourished and that would make recovery too difficult for her. The programme was called 'The Shrinking Woman' and I watched it on the Bio channel on Foxtel.
Thank you Connie for showing the world your story - you have had a big impact on me. Firstly I am inspired to keep at the weight loss thing. I DO NOT want to end up weighing that much. Secondly, I will keep at the exercise in order to avoid as much loose skin as I can because there is no way I would contemplate those surgeries. The risk is just to high and for what? What the world considers aesthetically pleasing? I'd rather be ugly and alive thanks.
One of the saddest parts of the show for me was when she spoke about food. She used to love food, eating and the social aspect to food. Now she can't eat more than 2 tbls of food at one time and often that is too much. She views eating as chore and is often nauseous. I don't want that for me. I had contemplated having gastric banding done, which is no where near as radical as Connie's surgery but is still pretty drastic. I don't want to end up hating food. It is an important part of our social being and I love the taste, texture, smell and emotions food brings. I just have to learn moderation.
I also have to learn some self control and self discipline. I need to exercise more and be more strict with my eating. I'm not quite sure how to do that. Food and laziness have been a part of my life for so long. Food is my comfort, my love. I eat to feel full. I feed my friends and family to show that I love them. How do I change that without feeling like a part of me has been ripped away? How do I understand that I have love and can feel emotionally fulfilled without having to feel physically full?
Interestingly it's not just my stomach that has to be full for me to feel happy and fulfilled. I overfill my fridge and pantry. I get agitated when food begins to run out. I hate it when the egg shelf in the fridge isn't full. I get annoyed when the containers of food run low or out. I feel good after going shopping and filling everything back up. There is obviously an issue here. Wish I knew why I feel this and behave this way.
I'm not sure how to find the answers to these questions but perhaps having the questions verbalised is a start. I will now begin the search for my answers.....
In 3 years she dropped 410lbs or about 185kgs. This left her with masses of loose skin. She decided to have it surgically removed. The first operation saw about 25lbs (11kgs) of skin and fat removed from her waist. The piece of flesh was around 5' (which is as tall as my eldest daughter, Julia!). They then pulled the skin up and stitched her back together. The scar goes all the way around her body and she was in physical pain for months.
Then she had her legs done. Cuts from her groin to her knee and about 10lbs (4kgs) per leg taken away. And this is where it gets bad. Apprently people who have been morbidly obese have difficulty with blood flow to their skin due to the distance, area and fat involved. These opeations often have complications due to the lack of blood flow. Sure enough poor Connie ended up with gangrene and had months of therepy along with skin grafts. She now has massive scarring and is less than happy with her result.
She then flew to London to have her arms and breasts done. The surgeon there refused to operate, much to Connie's disappointment and disgust. The surgeon felt that her body couldn't take more surgery and that due to the stomach and bowel surgery she was now very malnourished and that would make recovery too difficult for her. The programme was called 'The Shrinking Woman' and I watched it on the Bio channel on Foxtel.
Thank you Connie for showing the world your story - you have had a big impact on me. Firstly I am inspired to keep at the weight loss thing. I DO NOT want to end up weighing that much. Secondly, I will keep at the exercise in order to avoid as much loose skin as I can because there is no way I would contemplate those surgeries. The risk is just to high and for what? What the world considers aesthetically pleasing? I'd rather be ugly and alive thanks.
One of the saddest parts of the show for me was when she spoke about food. She used to love food, eating and the social aspect to food. Now she can't eat more than 2 tbls of food at one time and often that is too much. She views eating as chore and is often nauseous. I don't want that for me. I had contemplated having gastric banding done, which is no where near as radical as Connie's surgery but is still pretty drastic. I don't want to end up hating food. It is an important part of our social being and I love the taste, texture, smell and emotions food brings. I just have to learn moderation.
I also have to learn some self control and self discipline. I need to exercise more and be more strict with my eating. I'm not quite sure how to do that. Food and laziness have been a part of my life for so long. Food is my comfort, my love. I eat to feel full. I feed my friends and family to show that I love them. How do I change that without feeling like a part of me has been ripped away? How do I understand that I have love and can feel emotionally fulfilled without having to feel physically full?
Interestingly it's not just my stomach that has to be full for me to feel happy and fulfilled. I overfill my fridge and pantry. I get agitated when food begins to run out. I hate it when the egg shelf in the fridge isn't full. I get annoyed when the containers of food run low or out. I feel good after going shopping and filling everything back up. There is obviously an issue here. Wish I knew why I feel this and behave this way.
I'm not sure how to find the answers to these questions but perhaps having the questions verbalised is a start. I will now begin the search for my answers.....
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Waterwise
Well I think I need to look at some basics to try and kick this fat old body of mine into gear!
Eating is good, exercise is OK but I don't think I drink enough. So my aim for this week is to drink more - water and green tea.
Water to keep my better hydrated and apparently green tea is good for boosting your metabolism. Whether it aids the weight loss or not I'm yet to find out. But even if it doesn't it's more fluids into my body than I'm getting now and that can only be a good thing, right?
My other challenge right now is to get over being so damn LAZY! I am avoiding exercise and making excuses. This is not what I want but I can't seem to stop doing it! The heat is not helping but that's only going to get worse not better. I need to get out of this slump before summer hits or I'm doomed!!!
Going back to my post about Faking It, it seems I have forgotten that already. So no time like the present, I will head off for a walk this afternoon. We need some noodles for our yummy Chicken Singapore Noodles we are having for dinner so a walk to our lovely new shops is in order.
Right then. I better go and get this work finished and put on my walking shoes......
Eating is good, exercise is OK but I don't think I drink enough. So my aim for this week is to drink more - water and green tea.
Water to keep my better hydrated and apparently green tea is good for boosting your metabolism. Whether it aids the weight loss or not I'm yet to find out. But even if it doesn't it's more fluids into my body than I'm getting now and that can only be a good thing, right?
My other challenge right now is to get over being so damn LAZY! I am avoiding exercise and making excuses. This is not what I want but I can't seem to stop doing it! The heat is not helping but that's only going to get worse not better. I need to get out of this slump before summer hits or I'm doomed!!!
Going back to my post about Faking It, it seems I have forgotten that already. So no time like the present, I will head off for a walk this afternoon. We need some noodles for our yummy Chicken Singapore Noodles we are having for dinner so a walk to our lovely new shops is in order.
Right then. I better go and get this work finished and put on my walking shoes......
Friday, 14 October 2011
Do Not Give Up
So the awesome Kazz has once again given me my inspiration for the next little while. She has been featured in this week's 'That's Life' magazine in a story about The Amazing Shrinking Karyn. Go Kazz you are truly a star and your story inspires so many. I find it has particular resonance in me as the emotional issues we have are similar and the sheer will power to keep going has been one long hard slog for her and in the 7 short months I've been going it has been a real battle. To keep at it for over 5 years is just phenomenal and I admire her so much.
Today she posted a photo on her Facebook page. I just had to download it. I will try to be a techno-whizz and upload it to my blog as it is something I think I need to read and read and read and read.....
So I'm off to see my sister's and my step-mum today. I will be making cupcakes for my sister Amanda to photograph. She is doing a photography degree and it is for an assignment. My challenge in this will be to not 'pick' at the cakes - either the batter, the icing, the lollies for the decorations or a completed cake. No cake for me!
So far this week I am doing OK on the exercise but food continues to be a struggle. When I am at work it's so easy. There is only so much there (which I pack so it is healthy options) and I am busy working so I don't sit and constantly think about food. Being at home is tough. This is where the habitual eating has always happened and it really is tough to break. I am trying so hopefully the scales will be kind to me on Sunday's weigh in.
Today she posted a photo on her Facebook page. I just had to download it. I will try to be a techno-whizz and upload it to my blog as it is something I think I need to read and read and read and read.....
So I'm off to see my sister's and my step-mum today. I will be making cupcakes for my sister Amanda to photograph. She is doing a photography degree and it is for an assignment. My challenge in this will be to not 'pick' at the cakes - either the batter, the icing, the lollies for the decorations or a completed cake. No cake for me!
So far this week I am doing OK on the exercise but food continues to be a struggle. When I am at work it's so easy. There is only so much there (which I pack so it is healthy options) and I am busy working so I don't sit and constantly think about food. Being at home is tough. This is where the habitual eating has always happened and it really is tough to break. I am trying so hopefully the scales will be kind to me on Sunday's weigh in.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Back to PT!
Yay! Meeting JT for a session this afternoon. So ready to be killed by him. Never thought I would hear myself say I missed exercising...
So far I have stuck to my plans for the week. The Spanish Chicken last night was yummy and I enjoyed the netball game. Tonight is the Veal Rolls and I went a bought some lovely fresh beans to go with it. Definitely looking forward to that one!
Last night I was chatting to James and we decided it would be great if I set a health goal. So I am hoping that within the next 6 months I will be able to drop my HbA1c (I explained that one in an earlier post) from 6.2 to under 6. Under 6 puts me out of the diabetic range. I will never not be classed as diabetic, once diagnosed that's it, but I can have it well and truly under control and that's what I'll be aiming for.
I am going to list my goals and give them to JT. That way he will keep me a bit more accountable. Accountability is so important in this journey and it is something I struggle to be. When there is no one to actually report to it's easy to make excuses. And my motto for the next little while is NO MORE EXCUSES!
So my goals for the next month are:
Fitness - get back to being able to jog a kilometre;
Weight - lose 2kgs; and
Mental/Emotional - to plan food and stick to it.
Will keep you updated on how these go......
So far I have stuck to my plans for the week. The Spanish Chicken last night was yummy and I enjoyed the netball game. Tonight is the Veal Rolls and I went a bought some lovely fresh beans to go with it. Definitely looking forward to that one!
Last night I was chatting to James and we decided it would be great if I set a health goal. So I am hoping that within the next 6 months I will be able to drop my HbA1c (I explained that one in an earlier post) from 6.2 to under 6. Under 6 puts me out of the diabetic range. I will never not be classed as diabetic, once diagnosed that's it, but I can have it well and truly under control and that's what I'll be aiming for.
I am going to list my goals and give them to JT. That way he will keep me a bit more accountable. Accountability is so important in this journey and it is something I struggle to be. When there is no one to actually report to it's easy to make excuses. And my motto for the next little while is NO MORE EXCUSES!
So my goals for the next month are:
Fitness - get back to being able to jog a kilometre;
Weight - lose 2kgs; and
Mental/Emotional - to plan food and stick to it.
Will keep you updated on how these go......
Monday, 10 October 2011
Plan for the week......
So I have decided that I need to plan week by week. If I plan too far ahead the plans seem to fall over. So bringing it back to week by week.
Dinner tonight is Spanish Chicken with a Garden Salad. I'm about to go and cook it now. Yummo. Exercise for today is.....Netball!! A friend needed a fill in so I get to play. Yippee!!
Tomorrow we will have Spinach & Feta Veal Rolls (I actually use beef schnitzel for this as I'm not too keen on veal) which we will have with a big pile of mixed green vegies. I'm hoping that JT will be free for a session tomorrow - I need to do some HARD work!
Wednesday it will be slow cooked Balsamic Lamb Shanks with mash and beans. The big netball game is on that night - Australia vs England at the AIS and we have tickets. Very excited! Will have to get in a good walk/run during the day as we will be busy cheering at the game in the evening!!
Thursday we will be eating Steak with Polenta Chips and Salad for dinner and again I'm hoping to get JT onto our case.
Friday is the start of a new week for me. I will do the meal plan on Thursday or Friday and shop on Friday. So I will post the next plan then!
I am off work for the week as the kids are on school hols. My challenge will be to avoid snacking! I will be super busy though as I am going to clean up and clean out both Sophie's bedroom and our terribly messy study. Hopefully I'll get through it all......
Dinner tonight is Spanish Chicken with a Garden Salad. I'm about to go and cook it now. Yummo. Exercise for today is.....Netball!! A friend needed a fill in so I get to play. Yippee!!
Tomorrow we will have Spinach & Feta Veal Rolls (I actually use beef schnitzel for this as I'm not too keen on veal) which we will have with a big pile of mixed green vegies. I'm hoping that JT will be free for a session tomorrow - I need to do some HARD work!
Wednesday it will be slow cooked Balsamic Lamb Shanks with mash and beans. The big netball game is on that night - Australia vs England at the AIS and we have tickets. Very excited! Will have to get in a good walk/run during the day as we will be busy cheering at the game in the evening!!
Thursday we will be eating Steak with Polenta Chips and Salad for dinner and again I'm hoping to get JT onto our case.
Friday is the start of a new week for me. I will do the meal plan on Thursday or Friday and shop on Friday. So I will post the next plan then!
I am off work for the week as the kids are on school hols. My challenge will be to avoid snacking! I will be super busy though as I am going to clean up and clean out both Sophie's bedroom and our terribly messy study. Hopefully I'll get through it all......
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Blog Title
So has anyone wondered about my Blog's title? I have been wondering for days if it makes sense to other people. I guess it really doesn't matter if you guys get it or not, it's my blog and I'll name it what I want, right?
Anyway, it's meant to be a bit of a play on words - 'Losing' because obviously this about my journey to lose weight. 'My mind' because I truly believe that weight loss is an emotional/mental journey way more than it's a physical one. So together 'Losing my mind' is about breaking down all the emotional and mental barriers I have built up over all these years so that I can 'Find me', the real me, the person I don't really know but is slowly beginning to emerge - the strong, calm and confident person. The one who knows her strengths and weaknesses and accepts them with good grace.
Sadly, this isn't always happening :( There is still a lot of self sabotage going on. A lot of which relates to laziness....
I planned dinner last night, I had even defrosted the meat. And then Julia invited a friend over to stay the night. And then we went to get a DVD for them to watch. And then it was late. And then we decided to have take-away. One little pizza won't hurt will it? Will it?!?!?!
I am so angry with myself this morning. I loved every bite of that pizza. But it's going to cost me. Big time.
So why did I do it? To save myself 20 minutes in the kitchen? How dumb is that? And the scariest bit of it all is that if I had that time over again I probably would do the same. Us fatties seem to think we can justify eating something like a pizza. 'oh but it was a small one, I used to eat a large!' and 'I'll eat better tomorrow and do some exercise'. These are just stupid excuses my mind makes. They are not the truth and they are not acceptable.
*Sigh*
Anyway, it's meant to be a bit of a play on words - 'Losing' because obviously this about my journey to lose weight. 'My mind' because I truly believe that weight loss is an emotional/mental journey way more than it's a physical one. So together 'Losing my mind' is about breaking down all the emotional and mental barriers I have built up over all these years so that I can 'Find me', the real me, the person I don't really know but is slowly beginning to emerge - the strong, calm and confident person. The one who knows her strengths and weaknesses and accepts them with good grace.
Sadly, this isn't always happening :( There is still a lot of self sabotage going on. A lot of which relates to laziness....
I planned dinner last night, I had even defrosted the meat. And then Julia invited a friend over to stay the night. And then we went to get a DVD for them to watch. And then it was late. And then we decided to have take-away. One little pizza won't hurt will it? Will it?!?!?!
I am so angry with myself this morning. I loved every bite of that pizza. But it's going to cost me. Big time.
So why did I do it? To save myself 20 minutes in the kitchen? How dumb is that? And the scariest bit of it all is that if I had that time over again I probably would do the same. Us fatties seem to think we can justify eating something like a pizza. 'oh but it was a small one, I used to eat a large!' and 'I'll eat better tomorrow and do some exercise'. These are just stupid excuses my mind makes. They are not the truth and they are not acceptable.
*Sigh*
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Eyes on the Prize....
So I am forgetting about how far I have come. I think this is where my 'Battle Fatigue' is coming from. I forget that six months ago I could barely run, wore size 26 pants and thought that it was OK to be this way.
Today I'm in a size 22 pants (that are almost too big), I can run (really run, not just shuffle along) and I know that the way I lived before is not OK at all.
Remembering these things and reminding myself sometimes about where I've come from rather than always thinking about how far I have to go, or getting upset at the scales not moving, is something I think I really need to do. To keep me motivated and feeling good about what I'm doing.
It's kind of like Kazz's 'Faking it' from yesterday. While I'm faking my desire to do the exercise and to eat the healthy food (why does high-fat, high-sugar food have to taste so damn good?) I can remind myself of why, I can look back and say THAT is why.
So keeping your eyes on the prize is important, I think that having a backwards glance sometimes can be just as important.
Today I'm in a size 22 pants (that are almost too big), I can run (really run, not just shuffle along) and I know that the way I lived before is not OK at all.
Remembering these things and reminding myself sometimes about where I've come from rather than always thinking about how far I have to go, or getting upset at the scales not moving, is something I think I really need to do. To keep me motivated and feeling good about what I'm doing.
It's kind of like Kazz's 'Faking it' from yesterday. While I'm faking my desire to do the exercise and to eat the healthy food (why does high-fat, high-sugar food have to taste so damn good?) I can remind myself of why, I can look back and say THAT is why.
So keeping your eyes on the prize is important, I think that having a backwards glance sometimes can be just as important.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
'Fake it til you Make it!'
Some sage words of advice from the amazing Kazz. She has lost an incredible amount of weight and is such an inspiration to so many people. Truly mind-blowing. Check out her journey here on her blog.
So I faked it and pretended I felt like going for a walk yesterday afternoon and I'll admit it did feel good to go out and get some fresh air. And the dogs appreciated the walk too!
Wednesdays are Netball days. I love my netball - it's so much fun and now that my fitness has improved I can actually participate so much more and I feel so much more like a productive member of the team! This will be my first game back after hurting my calf so I am super excited about tonight! Pity the game is at 9pm......
Because we play netball on Wednesdays I am always looking for good recipes for things like soup. Something that can be made ahead of time, is low-fat and full of nutrients and is light on your tummy. If we eat before a game we both feel quite sick so we usually wait til after. But because tonight's game is so late we will try to eat early but it will be something fairly light and easy to digest. So I have this lovely recipe to get us through tonight.....
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Hearty Chicken and Root Vegetable Soup
Weight Watchers Recipe - 6 ProPoints
2 tsp Olive Oil
1 Leek, washed and thinly sliced
1 Parsnip, cut into 1cm pieces
1 Carrot, cut into 1cm pieces
2 Garlic Cloves, crushed
3 Cups of Chicken Stock
400g tin of Diced Tomatoes
2tsp fresh Tarragon Leaves
400g Lean Chicken Thigh Fillets, fat trimmed and thinly sliced
1 medium Desiree Potato, unpeeled and chopped into 1cm pieces
Heat oil in large saucepan over medium heat. Add leek, parsnip and carrot and cook, stirring for 5 mins or until soft. Add garlic and cook for 1 min or until fragrant.
Add stock, tomatoes and tarragon and bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 5 mins.
Add chicken and potato and simmer covered for 15 mins or until potato is tender and the chicken is cooked through.
_________________________________________
This is such a yummy soup and so easy to make. I actually cheat and use dried tarragon because getting fresh isn't always easy! The flavour is really nice so I like to use it and dried works just as well. Not sure how much I use cos I just sprinkle it in!!
My one last thought for today - Back on 20 June I blogged about not being able to think of 5 things I liked about me. That thought has remained with me all these months and I think I'd like to have a stab at it now. So her goes....
1. I like my determination. I am stubborn and I don't give up.
2. I like my strength, both physical and emotional.
3. I like my courage. For doing this and for talking about it.
4. I like my planning. I think ahead and make plans for dealing with life.
5. I like me. Wow. Didn't ever think I'd say that. But I do. I like the person I am becoming. Strong, determined, courageous, calm and happy!
So I faked it and now I'm makin' it!
So I faked it and pretended I felt like going for a walk yesterday afternoon and I'll admit it did feel good to go out and get some fresh air. And the dogs appreciated the walk too!
Wednesdays are Netball days. I love my netball - it's so much fun and now that my fitness has improved I can actually participate so much more and I feel so much more like a productive member of the team! This will be my first game back after hurting my calf so I am super excited about tonight! Pity the game is at 9pm......
Because we play netball on Wednesdays I am always looking for good recipes for things like soup. Something that can be made ahead of time, is low-fat and full of nutrients and is light on your tummy. If we eat before a game we both feel quite sick so we usually wait til after. But because tonight's game is so late we will try to eat early but it will be something fairly light and easy to digest. So I have this lovely recipe to get us through tonight.....
________________________________________
Hearty Chicken and Root Vegetable Soup
Weight Watchers Recipe - 6 ProPoints
2 tsp Olive Oil
1 Leek, washed and thinly sliced
1 Parsnip, cut into 1cm pieces
1 Carrot, cut into 1cm pieces
2 Garlic Cloves, crushed
3 Cups of Chicken Stock
400g tin of Diced Tomatoes
2tsp fresh Tarragon Leaves
400g Lean Chicken Thigh Fillets, fat trimmed and thinly sliced
1 medium Desiree Potato, unpeeled and chopped into 1cm pieces
Heat oil in large saucepan over medium heat. Add leek, parsnip and carrot and cook, stirring for 5 mins or until soft. Add garlic and cook for 1 min or until fragrant.
Add stock, tomatoes and tarragon and bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 5 mins.
Add chicken and potato and simmer covered for 15 mins or until potato is tender and the chicken is cooked through.
_________________________________________
This is such a yummy soup and so easy to make. I actually cheat and use dried tarragon because getting fresh isn't always easy! The flavour is really nice so I like to use it and dried works just as well. Not sure how much I use cos I just sprinkle it in!!
My one last thought for today - Back on 20 June I blogged about not being able to think of 5 things I liked about me. That thought has remained with me all these months and I think I'd like to have a stab at it now. So her goes....
1. I like my determination. I am stubborn and I don't give up.
2. I like my strength, both physical and emotional.
3. I like my courage. For doing this and for talking about it.
4. I like my planning. I think ahead and make plans for dealing with life.
5. I like me. Wow. Didn't ever think I'd say that. But I do. I like the person I am becoming. Strong, determined, courageous, calm and happy!
So I faked it and now I'm makin' it!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Battle Fatigue
Well I have to thank a Weight Watchers member by the name of anniem24 for the inspiration of todays post. She discussed how everything was a war and how we use those terms for so many things. She was just going to focus on being at peace with herself. Great sentiments and I wish her well.
But the title struck a real chord with me for another reason. I am fatigued. Completely tired and worn out but to me this is a war and one I intend to win. Even the greatest Armies have a rest sometimes, and they have more than one battallion ready to fight. Me? Well I only have me.
So how do I find the strength to keep going? How do I continue the battle when I am so tired, so unmotivated and so overwhelmed by the task at hand?
These are not rhetorical questions people and as yet I have no answers for them. If anyone can help I welcome the advice.
I will not give up and I will not give in. I just need to find some MoJo, some spark of inspiration again.
Oh and I have discovered I can link these posts to Facebook! So I will start doing that too, maybe someone in FB land can help.....
But the title struck a real chord with me for another reason. I am fatigued. Completely tired and worn out but to me this is a war and one I intend to win. Even the greatest Armies have a rest sometimes, and they have more than one battallion ready to fight. Me? Well I only have me.
So how do I find the strength to keep going? How do I continue the battle when I am so tired, so unmotivated and so overwhelmed by the task at hand?
These are not rhetorical questions people and as yet I have no answers for them. If anyone can help I welcome the advice.
I will not give up and I will not give in. I just need to find some MoJo, some spark of inspiration again.
Oh and I have discovered I can link these posts to Facebook! So I will start doing that too, maybe someone in FB land can help.....
Friday, 30 September 2011
Wow - I've been seriously MIA!!
OMG - almost 3 months since I blogged. Sorry, life has just been super hectic and we have had everyone in the house sick at some point or another over this time. But back to the grindstone of life now. I need to get back into my blogging - it is such a good way to be accountable, to get my feelings out rather than eating them down (literally!) and just to be honest about this whole journey.
So what's been happening while I've been away? Well the biggest thing for me was that I tore my calf muscle. It has stopped my doing the high intensity exercise for the past 5 weeks and I have to admit I used it as a bit of an excuse to 'have a rest' and do nothing. As a consequence my weight loss has pretty much plateaued and has actually crept up a bit. I have now lost a total of 12 kilos in almost 7 months. Still pretty good going!
And my weight isn't the only thing that has changed during this journey. I recently saw an Endocrinologist who felt that I was doing an awesome job on the weight loss side of things and that I didn't need to be on anymore medications. He sent me off for a blood test and I see him again in 4 months. The blood test is called an HbA1c - it measures the average blood sugar level over the previous 3 months (red blood cells hold memory for this period of time). A reading of under 6 is what a 'normal' person would have. The target range to be as healthy as possible with diabetes is 6.1 - 7. My first one this year was 7.9 and my blood pressure was 140/100. This is what kicked off my weight loss plans. The test I had this week.........was 6.2 and my blood pressure is 125/78!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!!!!! That's almost normal. If I keep losing weight and stay healthy I may even be taken off some of the meds at my next visit! I'm so happy I could cry!
So I have now been cleared by the physio to get back into the exercise and I have done some work on my mind set and I'm ready to start the big push again.
I was reading somethinig today that has made me want to commit to certain habits/thoughts/ideas. It's from Dietriffic.com The author of the website has a free e-book you can get called 'The Lifestyle Makeover Guide'. In it she ask you what motivates you towards your goals and to list 3 things that really motivate you. The first one for me was easy - My health. After that I did have to think a bit but no2 wasn't a real stretch - For my kids. To set the example for them. Lastly I really had to think. Really. I ended up coming up with my appearance. This was a bit odd for me as I have always thought that I dressed well for my size, I take care with my appearance and figured that if this is the way I was inteded to be then so be it. It's only been recently that I have started to really feel unhappy about my physical size. And it's certainly something I will explore at a later stage.
For now I've written enough. I will begin sharing meal plans and recipes as well as my thoughts and feelings. There's so many topics I want to talk about but I will pace myself so we can chat more often!
So what's been happening while I've been away? Well the biggest thing for me was that I tore my calf muscle. It has stopped my doing the high intensity exercise for the past 5 weeks and I have to admit I used it as a bit of an excuse to 'have a rest' and do nothing. As a consequence my weight loss has pretty much plateaued and has actually crept up a bit. I have now lost a total of 12 kilos in almost 7 months. Still pretty good going!
And my weight isn't the only thing that has changed during this journey. I recently saw an Endocrinologist who felt that I was doing an awesome job on the weight loss side of things and that I didn't need to be on anymore medications. He sent me off for a blood test and I see him again in 4 months. The blood test is called an HbA1c - it measures the average blood sugar level over the previous 3 months (red blood cells hold memory for this period of time). A reading of under 6 is what a 'normal' person would have. The target range to be as healthy as possible with diabetes is 6.1 - 7. My first one this year was 7.9 and my blood pressure was 140/100. This is what kicked off my weight loss plans. The test I had this week.........was 6.2 and my blood pressure is 125/78!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!!!!! That's almost normal. If I keep losing weight and stay healthy I may even be taken off some of the meds at my next visit! I'm so happy I could cry!
So I have now been cleared by the physio to get back into the exercise and I have done some work on my mind set and I'm ready to start the big push again.
I was reading somethinig today that has made me want to commit to certain habits/thoughts/ideas. It's from Dietriffic.com The author of the website has a free e-book you can get called 'The Lifestyle Makeover Guide'. In it she ask you what motivates you towards your goals and to list 3 things that really motivate you. The first one for me was easy - My health. After that I did have to think a bit but no2 wasn't a real stretch - For my kids. To set the example for them. Lastly I really had to think. Really. I ended up coming up with my appearance. This was a bit odd for me as I have always thought that I dressed well for my size, I take care with my appearance and figured that if this is the way I was inteded to be then so be it. It's only been recently that I have started to really feel unhappy about my physical size. And it's certainly something I will explore at a later stage.
For now I've written enough. I will begin sharing meal plans and recipes as well as my thoughts and feelings. There's so many topics I want to talk about but I will pace myself so we can chat more often!
Thursday, 14 July 2011
That annoying little (?) voice......
OK, so maybe it's not so little. Especially not today when it is massive and screaming at me "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!".
So why is it saying this to me?
For the past few days I have been competing in a radio competition called the 'Pop Quiz'. It's just 4 silly questions per day on celebrity news & gossip, sport and current events and stuff. There are 5 rounds and you win $50 each day but if you make it to day 5 you are going for $1000.
Well I made it to day 5 but completely bombed it. Was more upset than I expected to be and feel like a complete git. Just didn't know the answers and wasn't quick enough with google and the like to get me over the line.
Of course everyone else's reactions have been that I did so well to get to the 5th day but all I can focus on is the mistake I made. I stumbled on spelling the word PHARAOH and lost too much time thinking about it. I should have just passed it. Just can't seem to get past that. I have $200 that I didn't have before and I am only the second person this year to make to the $1000 round. I should be happy with that shouldn't I?
So why can't I turn off this stupid idiotic voice that tells me I am a failure? I don't like it and even trying to make it cound like Arnold Schwartznegger isn't working today. Grrrrr.
So why is it saying this to me?
For the past few days I have been competing in a radio competition called the 'Pop Quiz'. It's just 4 silly questions per day on celebrity news & gossip, sport and current events and stuff. There are 5 rounds and you win $50 each day but if you make it to day 5 you are going for $1000.
Well I made it to day 5 but completely bombed it. Was more upset than I expected to be and feel like a complete git. Just didn't know the answers and wasn't quick enough with google and the like to get me over the line.
Of course everyone else's reactions have been that I did so well to get to the 5th day but all I can focus on is the mistake I made. I stumbled on spelling the word PHARAOH and lost too much time thinking about it. I should have just passed it. Just can't seem to get past that. I have $200 that I didn't have before and I am only the second person this year to make to the $1000 round. I should be happy with that shouldn't I?
So why can't I turn off this stupid idiotic voice that tells me I am a failure? I don't like it and even trying to make it cound like Arnold Schwartznegger isn't working today. Grrrrr.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
So long....
Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I have been very slack, and not just here!
It has been a tough couple of weeks. I have been a bit up and down on the scales and seem to have lost the enjoyment and motivation for doing the exercise. I know I HAVE to do it but sometimes that's not enough to keep you feeling good about it is it?
So I have been thinking about what made me feel good about it before. And I guess it was the feeling of empowerment and achievement. I seem to have lost those feelings these past few weeks. Not sure how to get them back. Perhaps I need to set some more 'physical/exercise' goals again? Stop focussing so hard on what the scales say and look more to the fitness side of things?
As for what the scales say, I couldn't be happier right now. 9.5kgs in 18 weeks. That puts me under the 130kg mark and I now sit at 129.3kgs. Not too shabby at all! I hope to never see the 130+ mark on my scales ever again!
Riding out the Stay the Same weeks and the gain weeks is a challenge. One I am going to have to find a way around. I need to be able to get my head and my heart a bit stronger or this whole process could fail. I do not want it to fail, so that in itself could be my solution.......
It has been a tough couple of weeks. I have been a bit up and down on the scales and seem to have lost the enjoyment and motivation for doing the exercise. I know I HAVE to do it but sometimes that's not enough to keep you feeling good about it is it?
So I have been thinking about what made me feel good about it before. And I guess it was the feeling of empowerment and achievement. I seem to have lost those feelings these past few weeks. Not sure how to get them back. Perhaps I need to set some more 'physical/exercise' goals again? Stop focussing so hard on what the scales say and look more to the fitness side of things?
As for what the scales say, I couldn't be happier right now. 9.5kgs in 18 weeks. That puts me under the 130kg mark and I now sit at 129.3kgs. Not too shabby at all! I hope to never see the 130+ mark on my scales ever again!
Riding out the Stay the Same weeks and the gain weeks is a challenge. One I am going to have to find a way around. I need to be able to get my head and my heart a bit stronger or this whole process could fail. I do not want it to fail, so that in itself could be my solution.......
Thursday, 23 June 2011
A challenge
So I have been watching the Channel 9 series 'Big Extreme Makeover'. It has been great to see people in the same or similar situations as me and how they have worked through their weight loss journey's. Some have had surgery, some have put weight back on. One has even become a motivational speaker!
Last night was the fianl episode. It featured a young lady called Bonnie. She's 22 and ended up moving away from her home to get away from friends and things that were sabotaging her efforts. She did really well and lost over 30kgs in the 12 months. There was one thing from this show that has started a little idea growing in my mind......
She climbed the 1000 steps at the Three Sisters in the Blue Mountains with her trainer as one of her challenges. So James and I have decided it is a challenge we can meet and we are plannning to hit the steps sometime in October. OMG!! Can I do it? I really want to but 1000 steps? I struggle with 20!
So I think this will be as much of a mental challenge as a physical one. And when I make it to the top the feeling of achievement will be just awesome. I will focus on that. And there will be photo's I promise. Just watch this space in October!!
Last night was the fianl episode. It featured a young lady called Bonnie. She's 22 and ended up moving away from her home to get away from friends and things that were sabotaging her efforts. She did really well and lost over 30kgs in the 12 months. There was one thing from this show that has started a little idea growing in my mind......
She climbed the 1000 steps at the Three Sisters in the Blue Mountains with her trainer as one of her challenges. So James and I have decided it is a challenge we can meet and we are plannning to hit the steps sometime in October. OMG!! Can I do it? I really want to but 1000 steps? I struggle with 20!
So I think this will be as much of a mental challenge as a physical one. And when I make it to the top the feeling of achievement will be just awesome. I will focus on that. And there will be photo's I promise. Just watch this space in October!!
Monday, 20 June 2011
Feeling flat
Today has been a tough day. Nothing particularly bad happened I am just feeling really flat. All of a sudden I feel like this diet and exercise thing is hard, maybe too hard. I am not sure why I feel like this but it sucks.
Just finished a PT session. Normally I feel great after them but today I cried all the way home. How stupid is that? And it was a tough session, I should feel really proud of myself and I don't. I don't know how to pull myself out of this either.
Today on the Weight Watchers forums a member posted about how negative most of the posts are and she felt we should start looking at the good things as well. So she posted five things she liked about herself. She liked her skin and her arms and that she's a good friend and stuff like that. I sat there reading it feeling worse and worse. I couldn't think of five things I genuinely like about myself. I know I could do the usual "I have nice eyes" and stuff but to be honest I can not think of anything I really, truly, honestly like about me. How bloody pathetic is that? God, I am even sobbing while I type this.
I just feel so very, very flat. And blah. And tired. And fed up.
I know I chose the lose weight option of the saying in my last post and I will stick to that but I knew there would be tough days. There would be hard times and pain, both physical and emotional. I guess this will be the true test of my desire to see this through. If I can keep pushing and keep on track through my first down time then I can get to the end.
So off to wash my PT clothes, cook a healthy dinner and enjoy the peace in my home for 10 minutes before James and the girls get home.
Just finished a PT session. Normally I feel great after them but today I cried all the way home. How stupid is that? And it was a tough session, I should feel really proud of myself and I don't. I don't know how to pull myself out of this either.
Today on the Weight Watchers forums a member posted about how negative most of the posts are and she felt we should start looking at the good things as well. So she posted five things she liked about herself. She liked her skin and her arms and that she's a good friend and stuff like that. I sat there reading it feeling worse and worse. I couldn't think of five things I genuinely like about myself. I know I could do the usual "I have nice eyes" and stuff but to be honest I can not think of anything I really, truly, honestly like about me. How bloody pathetic is that? God, I am even sobbing while I type this.
I just feel so very, very flat. And blah. And tired. And fed up.
I know I chose the lose weight option of the saying in my last post and I will stick to that but I knew there would be tough days. There would be hard times and pain, both physical and emotional. I guess this will be the true test of my desire to see this through. If I can keep pushing and keep on track through my first down time then I can get to the end.
So off to wash my PT clothes, cook a healthy dinner and enjoy the peace in my home for 10 minutes before James and the girls get home.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Choice....
I just read this saying and I LOVE it!!
"Being overweight is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Choose your hard!"
Well I chose losing weight. And if that involves some hard work, either physical or emotional I'm up for it.
I realised over this past weekend how easy it is to let things go. I didn't exercise and I had a mini pig-out :( I knew I was doing it and that it was wrong but I did it anyway. I ate some sweet biscuits. They were in the house because James had gone 4WD'ing, I stayed home because I wasn't feeling very well but I made him some tea in a thermos and bought some biscuits to go with it. He didn't eat them so they came home and went into the cupboard.
I caught myself after #5 and realised what I was doing and stopped. I will now be giving them to the girls or better still, throwing them away. Can't have temptation near me as I have shown that I am not strong enough yet. Although I am very pleased that I did stop and I did realise what I was doing. Wish I could work out why though.
So that's my hard choice for today - to throw food away before it sabotages my efforts. And for me to throw food away is huge. It will hurt but I will do it!
"Being overweight is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Choose your hard!"
Well I chose losing weight. And if that involves some hard work, either physical or emotional I'm up for it.
I realised over this past weekend how easy it is to let things go. I didn't exercise and I had a mini pig-out :( I knew I was doing it and that it was wrong but I did it anyway. I ate some sweet biscuits. They were in the house because James had gone 4WD'ing, I stayed home because I wasn't feeling very well but I made him some tea in a thermos and bought some biscuits to go with it. He didn't eat them so they came home and went into the cupboard.
I caught myself after #5 and realised what I was doing and stopped. I will now be giving them to the girls or better still, throwing them away. Can't have temptation near me as I have shown that I am not strong enough yet. Although I am very pleased that I did stop and I did realise what I was doing. Wish I could work out why though.
So that's my hard choice for today - to throw food away before it sabotages my efforts. And for me to throw food away is huge. It will hurt but I will do it!
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Dancing (with the stars!)
I am so very excited!! I love to dance, I'm not very good at it but I just love to do it. Several times over the years I have asked James to come and do a ballroom class (I did ballroom as a teenager) with me and he has always baulked at the idea. But last week I found a class and asked him to come with me and he said yes!! So excited!!
Ballroom is quite a workout so we can have fun while getting fit. I am really, really excited about it and can't wait for term 3 to start so we can get going. Happy, happy, happy!!!!!
Ballroom is quite a workout so we can have fun while getting fit. I am really, really excited about it and can't wait for term 3 to start so we can get going. Happy, happy, happy!!!!!
Messages from Mum....
Hi Mum!! I know you're out there and reading this!! :)
During the week my mum sent my a lovely email. She wanted to tell me that she had read my blogs and thought I was doing really well. These comments mean a great deal to me. Sorry Mum, but to be honest I never feel as if I do anything that pleases you. I know you will understand what I mean without going into great details here but to have your support on this, for you to truly believe I can do it means so much to me. More than I think you will ever know.
The other message about the Calisthenics adjudications - that the judging says more about the judges than the judged is so very true. And that while I do understand that people laughing at me, or judging me in anyway says way more about them than it does about me, I still can't quite bring myself to get on a bike!
I am prepared to make a deal with you all though. If I achieve my goal of losing 14kgs by James' birthday on 22 September this year, I will start to incorporate bike riding in my fitness regime. I promise. And even if I miss the deadline, or make it early (wouldn't that be awesome?), I will begin riding then. Basically at 14kgs lost I will ride. Promise!
During the week my mum sent my a lovely email. She wanted to tell me that she had read my blogs and thought I was doing really well. These comments mean a great deal to me. Sorry Mum, but to be honest I never feel as if I do anything that pleases you. I know you will understand what I mean without going into great details here but to have your support on this, for you to truly believe I can do it means so much to me. More than I think you will ever know.
The other message about the Calisthenics adjudications - that the judging says more about the judges than the judged is so very true. And that while I do understand that people laughing at me, or judging me in anyway says way more about them than it does about me, I still can't quite bring myself to get on a bike!
I am prepared to make a deal with you all though. If I achieve my goal of losing 14kgs by James' birthday on 22 September this year, I will start to incorporate bike riding in my fitness regime. I promise. And even if I miss the deadline, or make it early (wouldn't that be awesome?), I will begin riding then. Basically at 14kgs lost I will ride. Promise!
Another one bites the dust!
Sorry, I have been very slack in posting lately. Have been so busy it's just crazy! But that said I have still managed to kill another goal. Today I lost 500gr for the week making my total loss now to 7.3kgs. Yay!! It's a week later than I wanted to make it but better late than never! Last week I was disappointed when I didn't make it but I am pleased that I didn't give up and I kept pushing myself so that I would make it.
Friday, 3 June 2011
Something good....
So my good story for today is again about goals and achieving them. This time it is a goal I had completely overlooked......
I went to see Dr Helen today. That in itself felt great as she was so pleased with my efforts and my progress. This journey is ultimately about improving my health but I had overlooked health milestones as goals that I can achieve, and achieve I did!
3 months ago Dr Helen told me I had hypertension (high blood pressure) with a reading of 140/100. She medicated me and gave me the talking to that began this journey - literally scared me to death (almost!). Over the next month or so my readings stayed the same and my meds were increased. They stopped going up and stayed steady at 135/98.
Then I began exercising.......
Today, 8 weeks later, my blood pressure is 130/82!!! That is a massive drop in a very short time. All my hard work is having an effect on my health. It isn't just about weight and measurements, it's about how I feel and about my health.
In three weeks I will be having my next HbA1c. This is a blood test to measure the average of my Blood Glucose Levels over the past three months. It is a real indicator of how much control I have over the diabetes. My last reading was 7.9, which isn't terrible but is not real good either. Hopefully between increased meds and my weight loss and exercise efforts we will see a drop here too. So I am adding this to my goal list as well......
Goal #3 - Lose 5% of body weight
Goal #4 - To continue running and achieve a 1km run before the end of June.
Goal #5 - To see a drop in my HbA1c reading at the end of June.
Can't wait to smash these ones as well!!
I went to see Dr Helen today. That in itself felt great as she was so pleased with my efforts and my progress. This journey is ultimately about improving my health but I had overlooked health milestones as goals that I can achieve, and achieve I did!
3 months ago Dr Helen told me I had hypertension (high blood pressure) with a reading of 140/100. She medicated me and gave me the talking to that began this journey - literally scared me to death (almost!). Over the next month or so my readings stayed the same and my meds were increased. They stopped going up and stayed steady at 135/98.
Then I began exercising.......
Today, 8 weeks later, my blood pressure is 130/82!!! That is a massive drop in a very short time. All my hard work is having an effect on my health. It isn't just about weight and measurements, it's about how I feel and about my health.
In three weeks I will be having my next HbA1c. This is a blood test to measure the average of my Blood Glucose Levels over the past three months. It is a real indicator of how much control I have over the diabetes. My last reading was 7.9, which isn't terrible but is not real good either. Hopefully between increased meds and my weight loss and exercise efforts we will see a drop here too. So I am adding this to my goal list as well......
Goal #3 - Lose 5% of body weight
Goal #4 - To continue running and achieve a 1km run before the end of June.
Goal #5 - To see a drop in my HbA1c reading at the end of June.
Can't wait to smash these ones as well!!
Wow, wow, wow!!!
I just found this song and it has had me in tears for the past 10 minutes. It is so beautiful and so true. I love it!
Sung by Martina McBride and written by James Slater (I believe). Here's the lyrics:
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
Sung by Martina McBride and written by James Slater (I believe). Here's the lyrics:
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
Thursday, 2 June 2011
No 'Good'
I saw CB yesterday and feel a bit better for it. While I am conscious of these destructive thoughts now I have to begin to change the sound of them. So instead of my thoughts sounding like me, they need to sound like Arnold Scwartznegger or put them into a tune or whatever. Apprently it will give me a 'break' from the toughts and allow some distance from them. I have to say that using Arnies voice is very effective - makes me laugh everytime!
The thing that I wanted to blog about today though is something else that came up during my session. And that is that I can sit here and type for hours on the 'bad' stuff, but I don't seem to be able to the same when things are 'good'. CB thought that was interesting and said it is something we will work on later. But for now I am left to ponder why...
Is it because I ignore good feelings? That I don't feel that the 'good' feelings are as important as the 'bad' ones? Or is it simply that there isn't that much 'good' in my life? It seems such a waste to spend all my time and energy on the bad thoughts doesn't it?
It has taken me many, many years to be able to take a compliment from someone and even then in my head I don't always believe it. There doesn't seem to be any space in my brain for the good things in life. So I guess I need to change that and I will challenge myself by writing one paragraph in here each day that is dedicated to the 'good' in me. You will have to bear with me because it really is going to be a challenge! if anyone feels like giving me some fodder for it please do so!!!
The thing that I wanted to blog about today though is something else that came up during my session. And that is that I can sit here and type for hours on the 'bad' stuff, but I don't seem to be able to the same when things are 'good'. CB thought that was interesting and said it is something we will work on later. But for now I am left to ponder why...
Is it because I ignore good feelings? That I don't feel that the 'good' feelings are as important as the 'bad' ones? Or is it simply that there isn't that much 'good' in my life? It seems such a waste to spend all my time and energy on the bad thoughts doesn't it?
It has taken me many, many years to be able to take a compliment from someone and even then in my head I don't always believe it. There doesn't seem to be any space in my brain for the good things in life. So I guess I need to change that and I will challenge myself by writing one paragraph in here each day that is dedicated to the 'good' in me. You will have to bear with me because it really is going to be a challenge! if anyone feels like giving me some fodder for it please do so!!!
Sunday, 29 May 2011
Tough Weekend :(
This weekend we have spent at the theatre watching the girls perform their dance sport (Calisthenics) for the state championship competition.
Sophie is probably the youngest competitor and just goes out to have fun. Her courage amazes me - she is so little (she is only on about the 10th percentile for her age), and she goes out on that great big stage all by herself. She looks the adjudicator in the eye, she smiles and she remembers her routine. She truly is amazing and I just love watching her.
Julia has struggled this weekend and I have found it tough watching her disappointment. It is quite possible that there are girls with higher point averages not being placed. *Sigh* Nothing we can do about it. Just improve next year and hopefully it will see her place then :) I am HUGELY proud of her, she has worked hard to overcome a few difficulties and I admire her strength and courage.
The one thing that I will personally take away from the weekend is how Julia managed her pain. She let some of the emotion out on Saturday night and then changed her focus to looking ahead. And again today when she again didn't place, she got over the disappointment and has said she will concentrate on next year. She still has her dream to make it to the National Championships, she hasn't let that go. Her ability to change her view point from past/present to future is an awesome skill. And it is a lesson I could learn from her.
Oh, and I loved one of the quotes from the programme...
"Love your sport. Never do it to please someone else; it has to be yours. That is all that will justify the hard work. Compete against yourself, not others, for that is who is truly your best competition."
Peggy Fleming - Figure Skater
And I nearly forgot! Weigh in day today and I have said farewell to another 500g. On target to meet the next goal!!
Sophie is probably the youngest competitor and just goes out to have fun. Her courage amazes me - she is so little (she is only on about the 10th percentile for her age), and she goes out on that great big stage all by herself. She looks the adjudicator in the eye, she smiles and she remembers her routine. She truly is amazing and I just love watching her.
Julia has struggled this weekend and I have found it tough watching her disappointment. It is quite possible that there are girls with higher point averages not being placed. *Sigh* Nothing we can do about it. Just improve next year and hopefully it will see her place then :) I am HUGELY proud of her, she has worked hard to overcome a few difficulties and I admire her strength and courage.
The one thing that I will personally take away from the weekend is how Julia managed her pain. She let some of the emotion out on Saturday night and then changed her focus to looking ahead. And again today when she again didn't place, she got over the disappointment and has said she will concentrate on next year. She still has her dream to make it to the National Championships, she hasn't let that go. Her ability to change her view point from past/present to future is an awesome skill. And it is a lesson I could learn from her.
Oh, and I loved one of the quotes from the programme...
"Love your sport. Never do it to please someone else; it has to be yours. That is all that will justify the hard work. Compete against yourself, not others, for that is who is truly your best competition."
Peggy Fleming - Figure Skater
And I nearly forgot! Weigh in day today and I have said farewell to another 500g. On target to meet the next goal!!
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
So sick of Sensitive!
While working with CB, the counsellor, I am learning to 'notice' my feelings more. Especially the ones that are harmful and undermine me. When she asked what was the most common destructive thought in my head I had answered her before she had even finished speaking - I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
The logical part of my brain knows that this is crap but unfortunately that part isn't very strong and the emotional side wins out everytime. And it sucks.
It's like emotions are magnified 10 fold and it becomes very hard to turn them off. It is so destructive and debilitating, I cannot begin to explain that to anyone. The best example I have at the moment is the bike comment. I feel so bad that I can't bring myself ride a bike and I think therefore I have failed. There doesn't seem to be room in my head to say YET. I can't ride a bike YET. It's so easy to type but to mean it in my head is almost impossible.
And then you get stuck on the words and actions of other people and obsess over them. I start to think that they are picking on me, or they are looking at me and thinking bad things about me. It becomes hard to go out in social situations, to feel confident about anything. When someone does say or do something nice it is so hard for me to believe. Even from the people I love the most, I can't believe I am worthy of their praise. I feel as if I have never lived up to their expectations.
This is what I mean when I say the fat is an armour plating, it is my wall - I can blame these feelings on being fat. It's not a problem in my heart, my soul or my mind - it's cos I'm fat. It's not and we all know it's not. That's just what I tell myself to avoid having to really deal with it all and that has to change! To quote P!nk's awesome song 'Perfect' - ".....You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you are wrong. Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."
I have to change and not just physically, this emotional stuff has to go as well. And that is going to be harder than any physical workout you could throw at me. I need to be strong and confident, otherwise how will me girls ever learn to be the same?
Today I got a message from someone that is a friend, although not a close one. I think she is stunning, a really attractive, strong and capable woman. Her words have had a big impact this morning and I actually DO believe her, she wouldn't have said them if she didn't mean them, she's just not that type of person. I wonder of she realises what a gift she's given me in those words? I'm sure she won't mind me sharing them with you:
I think you are an incredible woman. Strong, determined, courageous and inspirational. You are everything a woman should be! Keep up the amazing job and keep striving towards your goals. No matter how small or big your progress, it won't matter. The pure fact that you're heading towards your ultimate goal is the main thing. After all, it's not the final destination that we learn from, it's the jouney that has carried us there
So thank you lovely lady. I will treasure these words forever, they really mean a lot.
Another very good friend also told me this week that she saw a real difference in my attitude and strength this time and that she is sure I will succeed. These are words I will treasure as well. The difference this time is that I WANT to change,. For me. For my family. For the people that care about me. This is what will push me forward.
Hopefully soon CB will begin helping me to turn off these destructive thoughts and I will be able to be strong on my own.
The logical part of my brain knows that this is crap but unfortunately that part isn't very strong and the emotional side wins out everytime. And it sucks.
It's like emotions are magnified 10 fold and it becomes very hard to turn them off. It is so destructive and debilitating, I cannot begin to explain that to anyone. The best example I have at the moment is the bike comment. I feel so bad that I can't bring myself ride a bike and I think therefore I have failed. There doesn't seem to be room in my head to say YET. I can't ride a bike YET. It's so easy to type but to mean it in my head is almost impossible.
And then you get stuck on the words and actions of other people and obsess over them. I start to think that they are picking on me, or they are looking at me and thinking bad things about me. It becomes hard to go out in social situations, to feel confident about anything. When someone does say or do something nice it is so hard for me to believe. Even from the people I love the most, I can't believe I am worthy of their praise. I feel as if I have never lived up to their expectations.
This is what I mean when I say the fat is an armour plating, it is my wall - I can blame these feelings on being fat. It's not a problem in my heart, my soul or my mind - it's cos I'm fat. It's not and we all know it's not. That's just what I tell myself to avoid having to really deal with it all and that has to change! To quote P!nk's awesome song 'Perfect' - ".....You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you are wrong. Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."
I have to change and not just physically, this emotional stuff has to go as well. And that is going to be harder than any physical workout you could throw at me. I need to be strong and confident, otherwise how will me girls ever learn to be the same?
Today I got a message from someone that is a friend, although not a close one. I think she is stunning, a really attractive, strong and capable woman. Her words have had a big impact this morning and I actually DO believe her, she wouldn't have said them if she didn't mean them, she's just not that type of person. I wonder of she realises what a gift she's given me in those words? I'm sure she won't mind me sharing them with you:
I think you are an incredible woman. Strong, determined, courageous and inspirational. You are everything a woman should be! Keep up the amazing job and keep striving towards your goals. No matter how small or big your progress, it won't matter. The pure fact that you're heading towards your ultimate goal is the main thing. After all, it's not the final destination that we learn from, it's the jouney that has carried us there
So thank you lovely lady. I will treasure these words forever, they really mean a lot.
Another very good friend also told me this week that she saw a real difference in my attitude and strength this time and that she is sure I will succeed. These are words I will treasure as well. The difference this time is that I WANT to change,. For me. For my family. For the people that care about me. This is what will push me forward.
Hopefully soon CB will begin helping me to turn off these destructive thoughts and I will be able to be strong on my own.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
I have to say sorry......
After losing the plot last week James and I have had several little chats. He assures me he would never have either dobbed on me nor forced me out for a walk if I really didn't feel like it or if I was too busy. So, James, I am sorry for not having faith in you or your love for me!
And your commitment to helping me is enormous and I really appreciate it - you felt so sick yesterday but you came and trained with me because JT wasn't there and when I was running you told me not to do the 800, to take it slower and build up. You'd finished your run and when you saw I was going to keep going you came with me and made sure I didn't give in when I was really hurting. So thank you.
I love you.
And your commitment to helping me is enormous and I really appreciate it - you felt so sick yesterday but you came and trained with me because JT wasn't there and when I was running you told me not to do the 800, to take it slower and build up. You'd finished your run and when you saw I was going to keep going you came with me and made sure I didn't give in when I was really hurting. So thank you.
I love you.
Monday, 23 May 2011
And again!
So being stubborn can be a good thing.
I was so motivated by having lost so much weight this week that I really wanted to hit goal #2 out of the park. I was so determined, even the horrible weather wasn't going to stop me.
The first 400 meters were definitely a jog, but then I stepped it up and ran the next 400. That was over an hour ago and my legs still feel like jelly! But I wasn't going to stop I just couldn't. Just have to find it in me to do it again tomorrow. But I'm sure the stubborn streak in me will come to the fore again.
Now to start thinking of what's next......weight loss goals are easy, next one is 5% of my starting weight, which is so close I can almost touch it. I need to lose one more kilo to hit the 7kgs lost mark and that one's in the bag. After that I'm aiming for 10kgs lost and then 10% of my starting weight. I'd like to hit the 10kgs gone by my birthday which is 25th of July. Then another 2 months to the 10% - James' birthday, the 22nd of September.
As for physical goals - well I'm a little lost there. Will need JT to work on that one for me! For the rest of this week I just want to maintain my level, have a cracker netball game on Wednesday night and finish the week with a fun session of aqua aerobics with my friends, Mel & Karen! Looking forward to it!!
I was so motivated by having lost so much weight this week that I really wanted to hit goal #2 out of the park. I was so determined, even the horrible weather wasn't going to stop me.
The first 400 meters were definitely a jog, but then I stepped it up and ran the next 400. That was over an hour ago and my legs still feel like jelly! But I wasn't going to stop I just couldn't. Just have to find it in me to do it again tomorrow. But I'm sure the stubborn streak in me will come to the fore again.
Now to start thinking of what's next......weight loss goals are easy, next one is 5% of my starting weight, which is so close I can almost touch it. I need to lose one more kilo to hit the 7kgs lost mark and that one's in the bag. After that I'm aiming for 10kgs lost and then 10% of my starting weight. I'd like to hit the 10kgs gone by my birthday which is 25th of July. Then another 2 months to the 10% - James' birthday, the 22nd of September.
As for physical goals - well I'm a little lost there. Will need JT to work on that one for me! For the rest of this week I just want to maintain my level, have a cracker netball game on Wednesday night and finish the week with a fun session of aqua aerobics with my friends, Mel & Karen! Looking forward to it!!
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Smashed!!
So goal #1 for weight loss was to lose 5kgs by the end of May. That goal is well and truly smashed!!!!!
Feeling very damn proud of myself right now. After the past few days when we all know I was feeling pretty down I did a naughty thing - I weighed myself. I am only supposed to weigh each fortnight on a Wednesday morning. But I was about to get in the shower today to get ready to go to work and those scales they just called to me. I could hear them telling me just how much exercise I've done this week and that they would have good news for me. Good news? The had fantastic news!! 5kg target is smashed and gone! I have lost 6 full kgs! 1kg more and a week early - love it!!! God it feels so damn good. Almost better than chocolate.....
During the conversation I had with JT when I was really angry, he told me to bottle it up and use it for motivation. I told him that making me feel bad would never motivate me and it won't, but today? Those scales? I am so seriously motivated right now it's not funny! I really wish I could bottle this cos eventually I will need the motivation and I may struggle to recall this feeling. So when I feel down again, just point me back to the 22nd of May 2011!
Feeling very damn proud of myself right now. After the past few days when we all know I was feeling pretty down I did a naughty thing - I weighed myself. I am only supposed to weigh each fortnight on a Wednesday morning. But I was about to get in the shower today to get ready to go to work and those scales they just called to me. I could hear them telling me just how much exercise I've done this week and that they would have good news for me. Good news? The had fantastic news!! 5kg target is smashed and gone! I have lost 6 full kgs! 1kg more and a week early - love it!!! God it feels so damn good. Almost better than chocolate.....
During the conversation I had with JT when I was really angry, he told me to bottle it up and use it for motivation. I told him that making me feel bad would never motivate me and it won't, but today? Those scales? I am so seriously motivated right now it's not funny! I really wish I could bottle this cos eventually I will need the motivation and I may struggle to recall this feeling. So when I feel down again, just point me back to the 22nd of May 2011!
Saturday, 21 May 2011
A new day
So today is a new day - let's see if it can be a better one! Got up and took Miss Sophie to her netball session, it was pretty cold! Chatted to a friend and just generally chilled (literally too!). Still not feeling too good but better than yesterday.
Then we headed off to watch some AFL. It was the 30th Anniversary of James' old club and his brother was playing in the game so we decided to go and watch. JT was there too - he was meant to be playing but he had hurt is ankle (hope it's OK!). He and I had a chat and hopefully he understands what I am saying. But you know what? I've decided that it doesn't matter anyway. It's me that allows them to hurt me - I have the power to stop it to.
I know in my heart that I am working hard - I am doing the exercise and I am eating well. Yes there are a few spots that I could tweak the food and yes, I will admit that I ate a couple of 'bad' things yesterday when I was feeling bad. But an overall picture of my food intake is pretty damn good. I have done 5 exercise sessions in the past week as well.
So while I am hurt by the happenings of yesterday, I have picked myself up and I will continue to work hard, perhaps even harder. I will keep proving myself as it seems to be what I have to do!
Then we headed off to watch some AFL. It was the 30th Anniversary of James' old club and his brother was playing in the game so we decided to go and watch. JT was there too - he was meant to be playing but he had hurt is ankle (hope it's OK!). He and I had a chat and hopefully he understands what I am saying. But you know what? I've decided that it doesn't matter anyway. It's me that allows them to hurt me - I have the power to stop it to.
I know in my heart that I am working hard - I am doing the exercise and I am eating well. Yes there are a few spots that I could tweak the food and yes, I will admit that I ate a couple of 'bad' things yesterday when I was feeling bad. But an overall picture of my food intake is pretty damn good. I have done 5 exercise sessions in the past week as well.
So while I am hurt by the happenings of yesterday, I have picked myself up and I will continue to work hard, perhaps even harder. I will keep proving myself as it seems to be what I have to do!
Friday, 20 May 2011
Set back #1
Well I lost the plot this morning - in a BIG way. Still feeling pretty upset about it actually.
So I went to meet James for a coffee this morning as I needed him to sign a bank slip. I had taken my measurements this morning too - another 400g gone (4.4kgs in total) and I have lost a whopping 10cms from around my waist. So I was feeling pretty happy with myself. James wasn't as he is struggling to lose at the moment. I suggested he look at what, when and how much he is eating. Knowing he wouldn't listen to a word I have to say I suggested he get JT to come as well, thinking that would help. How wrong could I be????
Very, apparently!
While JT did agree that portion size is an issue and made a few small suggestions to James it then turned on me. He has given James (and I) permission to 'dob' on each other and that if James says let's go for a walk, I have to. I am not allowed to say no and vice versa. Now that in itself doesn't sound so bad I guess. But the fact of the matter is that I will NEVER do that to James (dob maybe, but force him out to walk? nope) but he will take great pleasure in doing it to me - it's a power thing you see. You should have seen the look on his face - he thinks it is an awesome idea, too bad if I feel like crap. Not to mention that I dislike walking, in fact I would rather go to a gym than walk. And for me, that's saying something!!
So then they decide to talk about riding a bike.*insert swear word here*. I do enjoy riding a bike but I just can't do it. We've all seen the fattie riding a bike and had a laugh, haven't we (c'mon be honest)? Well I just do not have the confidence to put myself out there like that, I just can't do it. And as for having that tiny little seat stuck up my big fat butt? I don't think so, I can think of much better ways to inflict pain on myself. So then James says "The girls would love it. How happy would they be to ride as a whole family?" Well ouch!!! That just cut be to the core. Of course they'd love it - but here's where I fail again. I just can't do it, at least not yet. And to use that card about the girls really hurt. Rubbed my nose right in the fact that I am failing them by being so fat. Crap, crap, crap. My great morning has turned into a crappy day.
They went back to work and I left to do my errands. I got into the car and I was so upset and angry and the worst bit of it is that they had no idea. So I lost it at both James and JT - I sent them a very cranky text once I managed to stop crying long enough to see my phone! JT took it in his stride and James hasn't said a word. I'm sorry I did it but why, oh why can't men understand that image is so important to a woman? And that just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they don't care about how they look? In fact, I think it can become more of an issue when you are overweight.
Right now part of me feels like giving up and another part of me feels like just putting on my shoes and going out and proving I can run 2 laps of the oval (my little goal for the end of the month). I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do but what I do know is that I won't give up.......
So I went to meet James for a coffee this morning as I needed him to sign a bank slip. I had taken my measurements this morning too - another 400g gone (4.4kgs in total) and I have lost a whopping 10cms from around my waist. So I was feeling pretty happy with myself. James wasn't as he is struggling to lose at the moment. I suggested he look at what, when and how much he is eating. Knowing he wouldn't listen to a word I have to say I suggested he get JT to come as well, thinking that would help. How wrong could I be????
Very, apparently!
While JT did agree that portion size is an issue and made a few small suggestions to James it then turned on me. He has given James (and I) permission to 'dob' on each other and that if James says let's go for a walk, I have to. I am not allowed to say no and vice versa. Now that in itself doesn't sound so bad I guess. But the fact of the matter is that I will NEVER do that to James (dob maybe, but force him out to walk? nope) but he will take great pleasure in doing it to me - it's a power thing you see. You should have seen the look on his face - he thinks it is an awesome idea, too bad if I feel like crap. Not to mention that I dislike walking, in fact I would rather go to a gym than walk. And for me, that's saying something!!
So then they decide to talk about riding a bike.*insert swear word here*. I do enjoy riding a bike but I just can't do it. We've all seen the fattie riding a bike and had a laugh, haven't we (c'mon be honest)? Well I just do not have the confidence to put myself out there like that, I just can't do it. And as for having that tiny little seat stuck up my big fat butt? I don't think so, I can think of much better ways to inflict pain on myself. So then James says "The girls would love it. How happy would they be to ride as a whole family?" Well ouch!!! That just cut be to the core. Of course they'd love it - but here's where I fail again. I just can't do it, at least not yet. And to use that card about the girls really hurt. Rubbed my nose right in the fact that I am failing them by being so fat. Crap, crap, crap. My great morning has turned into a crappy day.
They went back to work and I left to do my errands. I got into the car and I was so upset and angry and the worst bit of it is that they had no idea. So I lost it at both James and JT - I sent them a very cranky text once I managed to stop crying long enough to see my phone! JT took it in his stride and James hasn't said a word. I'm sorry I did it but why, oh why can't men understand that image is so important to a woman? And that just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they don't care about how they look? In fact, I think it can become more of an issue when you are overweight.
Right now part of me feels like giving up and another part of me feels like just putting on my shoes and going out and proving I can run 2 laps of the oval (my little goal for the end of the month). I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do but what I do know is that I won't give up.......
Is some Mum better than no Mum?
So fear has been riding along with me for the past few weeks. I don't particularly like her, she doesn't make me feel good. I have been trying to put into words what I am scared of and it sounds so illogical and stupid! Can you believe that I'm scared to lose weight? I WANT to lose weight, I really do. I can picture the things I could do when I have but I struggle to know, to really know in my heart, who I will be.
All my adult life I have been overweight and most of it would be in the obese range. I don't know what it is to be thin. Will I still be the person I am now? The person who loves and cares for her friends and family or will I become a little more selfish? Taking the time for me to do the things that will keep me thin?
Selfishness is a terrible trait in my opinion, I can't stand selfish people and I don't want to be one. As a mother I want to give my children all of me and if that means I miss out on 'me' time then so be it. Is that silly? Have I gone too far the other way and become too selfless? If I don't lose this weight and I get more sick, or worse, I die, what will my kids have then? Nothing. So some mum is better than no mum right?
So much of my identity, of the person I see myself as, is linked to my weight. It is my safety blanket, I keep myself safe and hidden because I can't put myself out there and participate in things, the weight stops me. It is also my armour, the real me hides behind it. You know how people say they have built an emotional wall? Well my wall is visable that's all and it feels like taking it away is going to expose me, and that my friends is the most frightening thought in the world!
All my adult life I have been overweight and most of it would be in the obese range. I don't know what it is to be thin. Will I still be the person I am now? The person who loves and cares for her friends and family or will I become a little more selfish? Taking the time for me to do the things that will keep me thin?
Selfishness is a terrible trait in my opinion, I can't stand selfish people and I don't want to be one. As a mother I want to give my children all of me and if that means I miss out on 'me' time then so be it. Is that silly? Have I gone too far the other way and become too selfless? If I don't lose this weight and I get more sick, or worse, I die, what will my kids have then? Nothing. So some mum is better than no mum right?
So much of my identity, of the person I see myself as, is linked to my weight. It is my safety blanket, I keep myself safe and hidden because I can't put myself out there and participate in things, the weight stops me. It is also my armour, the real me hides behind it. You know how people say they have built an emotional wall? Well my wall is visable that's all and it feels like taking it away is going to expose me, and that my friends is the most frightening thought in the world!
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Just a quick post
I wanted to share a song that I find so motivating right now. I love music so we will probably see a few songs along this journey. These are the lyrics to Katy Perry's Firework. Love it!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Katy Perry Firework lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-firework-lyrics.html
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Katy Perry Firework lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-firework-lyrics.html
An introduction.....
OK, here goes! I have never blogged before but I feel strongly that I need to get this stuff out of me and I figured a blog was better than a diary because it's easier for my friends and family to follow my journey and I hope it will help others in the same position as I am.
My name is Rachael and I am 37 years old. I am married to James and have 2 beautiful daughters, Julia and Sophie. They are 10 and 6 respectively.
I am obese. I currently weigh 134.5kgs and I am only 167cms tall. That gives me a BMI of 48.2! I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Type II Diabetes and Hypertension. I am medicated for all these.
Finding out I had hypertension and that my diabetes was getting worse hit me very hard. I do not want to die young, I do not want to be a burden on my family or society and I do not want to feel sick anymore. So time to begin an action plan.
I have tried many diets. Ask any overweight person and they will usually say the same thing. For me, the one that had worked the best in the past was Weight Watchers. So first thing I did was rejoin. I am an 'online' member. I do not attend meetings but I get the information and support from the website and message boards. They are awesome. The plan is a lifestyle change more than it is a diet, I like that and I need that.
The second part of this process came in the form of a man called JT. He is working on the physical and fitness side of things. I can't wait until I reach my final goal to be able to say to him 'I owe you my life'. He's a friend of my husbands. He heard about my situation and offered to help 'train' James (who has a few weight issues himself!) and I. He does not charge us, thank God, because we wouldn't be doing it if he did! He is so enthusiastic and has the kind of personality that is really suited to this type of work. He probably doesn't realise the emotional roller coaster ride he is about to take with me but that's OK, he will soon!!! LOL.
I am very inspired by an American lady by the name of Ruby Gettinger. Some of you may have heard of her, she has a show on pay TV and it's all about her weight loss journey. Her blog is at http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/blog/index.jsp?categoryName=ruby
At her heaviest Ruby weighed 716lbs (that's 324kgs). She has lost over half of that weight and is still on her journey. It's a heartwrenching show to watch, to see all the emotion behind her weight and her addiction to food. I feel such a resonance with her. Ultimately it is her story that made me decide to blog. I hope I too can inspire.
Ruby has her 'team' around her. Doctors, trainers, friends, pastors and so on. I like the term 'team' so let me introduce my 'team':
#1 Supporter, friend and confidant - James, my husband. I'd be lost without him.
Trainer - JT, you've already met him.
Doctor - My GP, Dr Helen, is so supportive and kind.
Counsellor - we'll call her CB. She is amazing. She makes me feel that all the emotional stuff is OK.
Friends and family - you will meet them along the way but let me say from the start - I love them all so much, they are very important in my life.
And I am currently waiting on finding out if the Endocrinology unit the hospital will take me in as a patient. Currently it is almost impossible to see an Endocrinolgist in this city privately, they have all closed their books.
So from now on I will be posting about my weight loss journey and much of it will be the emotional baggage that goes along with that. Hence the name of my blog - I need to lose this emotional stuff to find the me that I hope is in there - the strong, determined woman who can fight this battle and win.
My name is Rachael and I am 37 years old. I am married to James and have 2 beautiful daughters, Julia and Sophie. They are 10 and 6 respectively.
I am obese. I currently weigh 134.5kgs and I am only 167cms tall. That gives me a BMI of 48.2! I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Type II Diabetes and Hypertension. I am medicated for all these.
Finding out I had hypertension and that my diabetes was getting worse hit me very hard. I do not want to die young, I do not want to be a burden on my family or society and I do not want to feel sick anymore. So time to begin an action plan.
I have tried many diets. Ask any overweight person and they will usually say the same thing. For me, the one that had worked the best in the past was Weight Watchers. So first thing I did was rejoin. I am an 'online' member. I do not attend meetings but I get the information and support from the website and message boards. They are awesome. The plan is a lifestyle change more than it is a diet, I like that and I need that.
The second part of this process came in the form of a man called JT. He is working on the physical and fitness side of things. I can't wait until I reach my final goal to be able to say to him 'I owe you my life'. He's a friend of my husbands. He heard about my situation and offered to help 'train' James (who has a few weight issues himself!) and I. He does not charge us, thank God, because we wouldn't be doing it if he did! He is so enthusiastic and has the kind of personality that is really suited to this type of work. He probably doesn't realise the emotional roller coaster ride he is about to take with me but that's OK, he will soon!!! LOL.
I am very inspired by an American lady by the name of Ruby Gettinger. Some of you may have heard of her, she has a show on pay TV and it's all about her weight loss journey. Her blog is at http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/blog/index.jsp?categoryName=ruby
At her heaviest Ruby weighed 716lbs (that's 324kgs). She has lost over half of that weight and is still on her journey. It's a heartwrenching show to watch, to see all the emotion behind her weight and her addiction to food. I feel such a resonance with her. Ultimately it is her story that made me decide to blog. I hope I too can inspire.
Ruby has her 'team' around her. Doctors, trainers, friends, pastors and so on. I like the term 'team' so let me introduce my 'team':
#1 Supporter, friend and confidant - James, my husband. I'd be lost without him.
Trainer - JT, you've already met him.
Doctor - My GP, Dr Helen, is so supportive and kind.
Counsellor - we'll call her CB. She is amazing. She makes me feel that all the emotional stuff is OK.
Friends and family - you will meet them along the way but let me say from the start - I love them all so much, they are very important in my life.
And I am currently waiting on finding out if the Endocrinology unit the hospital will take me in as a patient. Currently it is almost impossible to see an Endocrinolgist in this city privately, they have all closed their books.
So from now on I will be posting about my weight loss journey and much of it will be the emotional baggage that goes along with that. Hence the name of my blog - I need to lose this emotional stuff to find the me that I hope is in there - the strong, determined woman who can fight this battle and win.
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